AGOG Coach Interview: Russian Railgun Simon Milanovich Discusses Abysmal Season

by patriotsfan543 | 6 years ago | 0 Comments

*Interview was done through a Russian translator*

QUESTION: Alright Coach Simon, I’m just going to be blunt. You are one of the worst teams in AGOG and maybe one of the worst teams in NFL History. Where has it all gone wrong for your Redskins this year?

ANSWER: I’m a first year coach. It’s as simple as that. I was forced into an early retirement and was asked by GM Tony Siragusa of the Redskins to be his head coach. A lot of the issues stem from inside the locker room. I speak little English so everything is done through a translator. For example, It’s hard to show emotion during halftime speeches when it’s done through a monotonous translator. Stares at translator.

QUESTION: That could certainly lead to some issues within a team...so that could explain guys not understanding halftime speeches and stuff like that, but what about the on-field play? It has um been lacking to say the least. You are coming off one of the worst displays of offensive football maybe ever vs. the Houston Texans. How do you explain that?

ANSWER: There’s no player you can pin the blame. Our team has been ravaged by injuries. Carson has done the best he can do to work with what he has, but speedy WRs can only take an offense so far. With Alvin Kamara getting “injured” after starting 1-6, and Yanny also taking an “injury” in the same game, both our offense and defense are starting to hurt with the lack of young weapons. We used to be bear, now we’re goose.

QUESTION: Seems like a perfect storm, or err Imperfect Storm, of unfortunate events.

ANSWER: Haha. You’re funny.

QUESTION: I actually moonlight as a comedian...anyways, I have been personally curious about one thing in particular about your team this season. HOW THE HELL DID YOU BEAT THE FALCONS???

ANSWER: Carson Wentz was on that game. He and Dede connected on an ethereal level with Carson only throwing one interception, which I believe is his lowest total for one game this entire season. It probably had to do with the fact that Carson had a Jesus moment before the game or something like that. I don’t know. It probably won’t happen again, sorry about that.

QUESTION: Well I think Jesus may have been your best player all year in that case. Anyways, you now sit at 1-9. How do you plan on motivating your guys rest of season with not much to play for and a language barrier in the way? Do you believe you can win another game this season?

ANSWER: We have recently installed a freezer room with gulag style prison cells. Their motivation now is the motivation I grew up with… fear of the gulag. If they don’t perform well in-game, they must live in their prison cell for the next week. I’ve also implemented other torture methods, including the good ol’ jumper-cables-on-the-nipples trick, so we should see improvement throughout the entire team. I expect two more wins solely out of fear.

QUESTION: Yes I remember the jumper-cables-on-the-nipples-trick when we talked years ago to you when you were a player. Seemed to work at least a little bit in your case. Anyways we can start wrapping it up here, but before you go. What do you see this team doing in the offseason to prepare for next year and the years after? Do you believe the Washington Redskins can compete within the next few years under your leadership?

ANSWER: Well I plan to have a better grasp on the English language next season, to hopefully get rid of the translator. That alone should bring us a couple more wins. Also, I’ve assessed some weaknesses including shirokopolosnyy priyemnik, oskorbitel'naya liniya, poluzashchitnik i obratnaya svyaz' which we plan to improve in the offseason. Sorry, I forgot the translator doesn’t know anything about football. Other than that, we need to unite as a team. Carson has tried leading the locker room, but it’s hard to be an eternal optimist when your team continues to lose. We saw two players quit on him already, refusing to show up to the locker room after getting “injured”. We will get back to a level of brotherhood and kindness eventually, but there’s a lot of work to do. I see most of our issues as off-field rather than on-field, so depending on who you ask that can be easier or harder to fix. I think it’ll be easy.

QUESTION: As always, thanks for your time Simon. And you spent like 8 years over here and you still don’t know English? Huh.

ANSWER: I know a few words. Like “steak”, “brisket”, “hamburger”, “pork” and “waffle fries” due to Tony Siragusa, but otherwise the translator was fine when I was a player. MLB players do it all the time!

QUESTION: Well that answers some questions...anyways thanks again and Good Luck rest of the way Coach Milanovich!

ANSWER: Thank you faceless interviewer!