Atlanta Loses Again

by RebelCid85 | 3 months ago | 1 Comments

Atlanta Falcons Lose Again, Scientists Confirm New Form of PTSD

WASHINGTON – In a shocking turn of events that surprised absolutely no one, the Atlanta Falcons have once again found a way to lose, leaving fans wondering if they have secretly offended a vengeful football god.

Meanwhile, the Washington Commanders played an actual game of football, demonstrating that scoring points and executing a coherent game plan are, in fact, possible. The offense looked poised, the defense made stops, and the coaching staff appeared to understand the basic rules of clock management—innovations that left Falcons fans staring at the field in stunned silence.

Experts in sports psychology and existential philosophy gathered Sunday night to study the Falcons’ latest defeat, ultimately concluding that time is, indeed, a flat circle. “Every season, we observe the same cycle,” said Dr. Lisa Reynolds, a researcher at the Institute for Predictable Outcomes. “Hope builds, expectations rise, and then—bam!—a collapse so poetic that even Shakespeare would call it overdramatic.”

The latest loss, featuring questionable play-calling, baffling execution, and the faint sound of Falcons fans groaning in unison across Georgia, has left many wondering if the team is trapped in an endless loop. “At this point, I’m convinced I’m living in a simulation,” said longtime fan Greg Thompson. “Every year, I say, ‘This is our year,’ and every year, I regret having hope. It’s like being in a toxic relationship, but with a football team.”

Head coach Raheem Morris assured the media that the team remains focused. “We just have to clean things up,” he said, while checking his watch to see how much time was left before the next disaster struck.

Meanwhile, local therapists report a surge in appointments following the loss, with many patients citing “Falcons-related trauma.” One psychologist noted, “We call it PTFLD—Post-Traumatic Falcons Loss Disorder. It’s very common in Atlanta.”

Despite everything, the Falcons remain committed to their tradition of raising expectations only to crush them at the worst possible moment. Fans, of course, will be back next week, because if there’s one thing stronger than the Falcons’ ability to lose, it’s Atlanta’s ability to believe.

If you or a loved one are having thoughts of self-harm please dial 998; losing a fan to suicide means losing potential jersey sales, and we need that shit.