The following is a statement from Zach Zenner Tribute League Executives:
"We are absolutely disgusted at the action of #10 Michael 'Dickson' of the Super Bowl champ Saints.
His 'punt' of 69 yards is apalling and revolting. It doesn't represent the league in any way and his leg will be broken immediately."
The leg break will make things difficult for Saints HC and GM. Usually an injured punter, (especially one with a leg injury,) would be immediately put down. However since no shotguns have been seen prowling the bayou, it looks likely the Saints will at least enjoy the meme before sending their Dickson into oblivion.
A league in turmoil, every qb here to iceland has more picks than fingers. In a league dominated by turnovers and QB's having no reliable targets, one man has shown his heroism. To quote Freddie Mercury "Flash ahhhh! He's a miracle, King of the impossible."
The Ravens picked Josh "Flash" Gordon in the 6th round of the ZZTL Fantasy draft and as a proper poet Gordon knew what must come. He went on to score 6 touchdowns in week 4 racking up an easy 334 yards on 9 receptions. Averaging roughly 37 yards per reception he made absolute dominance look easy. When watching the spectacular Ravens performance Randy Moss commented.
"With biceps like that, a clean haircut, whose gonna stop him. I mean if he comes home with your daughter you basically light the candles for him. Once that man has a goal the worst thing for your health is to get in his way."
Gordon has been showing out all year with an already 1000 yard year in week 5. QB Lamar Jackson hasn't been entirely saved from the pick bug still throwing 8 in the first 5 weeks. However compared to Cam Newton's nearly 20 ints already he's in the clear.
Gordon has proved more than reliable as a target as he has over 60% of Jackson's total yards through the air. The Veteran reciever and Rookie Jackson have a connection like no other in the league and these Ravens are shaping up to be an absolute offensive force Season 1.
Jacoby Brissett joined the Falcons starting lineup when he was picked in the 9th round with the 25th pick as the starter. Many teams took quarterbacks earlier but not the Dirty Birds. Dan Quinn saw a spark this 25 year old and it had just as much to do with the #7 as it did with Brisset's ethnicity. Just as lethal as Mike Vick in his prime a flash of greatness was shown in their game against the Saints at home.
The Falcons had a rough 0-2 start to the year but Brissett was giving it his all as he was firing as many picks as touchdowns. However when they met the 2-0 saints at Mercedes-Benz Stadium he came to play.
Not a single interception was fired as every pass seemed to find a receiver. Brissett finished the evening with an MVP worthy performance of 303 yards and a whopping 3 touchdowns. With a 78 yard connection to Kareem Hunt he showed off a cannon of an arm. The only piece missing to Ookie 2.0 is the rushing yards but to say there is no conest to who was/is the greatest #7 Falcon would be speaking too soon.
Stephen Edebali,
#36 on the Redskins was the breakout of the 2018 NFL Draft, the Golden Boy of America's Team. Womanizer and teen heartthrob in his tenure at Wisconsin he frequented the cover of Tiger-Beat and didn't pull punches in his interviews. He became a sensation on the college seen with quotes like,
On his preference of women: "She look 18 then we good"
On his choice of college: "America's about gettin' money and The Badgers paid the best"
On his religion: "Dinosaurs aren't real cause Jesus didn't see them"
On his athletic status: "I am the baddest motherf****er to roam this god damn earth. You think ima let these small, weak-a** pricks like JJ Watt talk sh** you got another thing coming."
Needless to say Edebali has been a rising-star and the voice of a new-generation of NFL players. Setting records year after year until recently a dip in production has become evident. In the upset of the century The Redskins fell to The LA Rams in week 14. Edebali who has been a cornerstone the past 3 years only received 8 touches for 100 yards and a lone touchdown. A relatively good game for any RB but not Edebali. Abysmal by his standards whom many in recent years have thought to revolutionize the run game. He may even surpassed by Miami's own Svondo Raymond. A rookie who is defying critics and already surpassed 1,000 yards on the year. We confronted the Lions head coach about Edebali before their showdown tonight at 6:30 PM,
"I scheme for him every year... But this upcoming week? Pfft he will run out of breath on the first drive. Every year I make sure to put his dozens of Detroit native baby mamas in the endzone sections so they can ask him for child support. But I don't think he will be making it there much."
The year isn't quite over but one thing is for sure, Edebali better turn on the jets sometime yesterday because without him? The Redskins don't have much of a shot to make a run at another title anytime soon, it could very well be the End-abali for him and the organization.
Official Press Release
Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City
A worse for wear, hungover, Eddie Murphy takes the podium.
" In light of recent events it has come to my attention, that after our performance in this very stadium on Super Tuesday. Many lack faith in the program and the capabilities it has.
I would just like to remind the citizens of Kansas City all of the great things we have accomplished this year. How we were able to bounce back after Ebrongate and beat the super bowl champ.
I would also like to confirm the fact that we are currently housing our players in Arrowhead. Not because of the state-wide riots, severe increase in domestic assaults or mass suicides. Which have come very untimely as the city has just recovered from the riots following Ebrongate. It is because the Chiefs and I are Ohana, Ohana means family, and family means nobody is left behind.
I would also like to confirm the fact that Eric Ebron's remaining family are safe. We all know about the unfortunate crucifixion of his parents following the last year's AFC Championship. However the Bryant family is currently missing and their Kansas City home is in ashes. If you know anything about their whereabout please contact your local PD.
A few short weeks till the biggest battle of our lives. Now either we heal as a team or we’re gonna crumble, inch by inch, play by play, 'til we’re finished.
We’re in hell right now, people, believe me. And, we can stay here -- get the shit kicked out of us -- or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb outta hell one inch at a time.
Now, I can’t do it for the team. I look around. I see these young faces, and I think -- I mean -- I made every wrong choice a head coach can make. I, uh, I pissed away all my money, believe it or not. I chased off anyone who’s ever loved me. And lately, I can’t even stand the face I see in the mirror.
You know, in life things get taken from you. I mean that's...part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losing stuff. You find out life’s this game of inches. So is football. Because in either game, life or football, the margin for error is so small -- I mean one-half a step too late, or too early, and you don’t quite make it. One-half second too slow, too fast, you don’t quite catch it.
The inches we need are everywhere around us.
They’re in every break of the game, every minute, every second.
On this team, we fight for that inch. On this team, we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch, because we know when we add up all those inches that’s gonna make the fuckin' difference between winning and losing! Between livin' and dyin'!
I’ll tell you this: In any fight, it’s the guy who’s willing to die who’s gonna win that inch. And I know if I’m gonna have any life anymore, it’s because I’m still willin' to fight and die for that inch. Because that’s what livin' is! The six inches in front of your face!!
Now I can’t make you do it. You got to look at the players in front of you. Look into his eyes! Now I think you’re gonna see a guy who will go that inch for you. You're gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team because he knows, when it comes down to it, you’re gonna do the same for him!
That’s a team! And, either we heal, now, as a team, or we will die as individuals. That’s football guys. That's all it is. No further questions.”