Monday Hot Taeks

1. The Minnesota Vikings will finish 12-4 (at worst)

That’s right. The 2-2 Vikings are going to lose 2 more games MAX for the rest of the season. They’ve looked phenomenal in their last 2 wins and they only really lost the first 2 games of the season because they were in the middle of transferring ownership.

Part of the reason for this prediction is that they have a relatively easy schedule ahead, sure; but this team is for real. They have talent and some sort of genius boy out there calling the plays. I would have predicted them to win the division over the Lions had they not given up a win to them due to the owner transfer in week 1. Watch out. This team is a contender.

2. Chicago Blues will run away with the AFC West

I’m well aware that the Aftershocks have been king in the West for years now, but that time is over. The Aftershocks are has beens. The team is full of a bunch of pussies who are too busy drinking vodka waters to play football. And their owner? He’s the biggest pussy of them all. Giant, gaping, throwing a hotdog down a hallway pussy. He’s too busy experimenting with frat boys to bother showing up to his teams games on Sundays.

But the Blues, well, the Blues are solid. They’ve had a tough loss to former Super Bowl champion Conquistadors and a shootout loss to the Vikings (and you already know how I feel about them). I don’t think they are a top team in the league, but the rest of the division is lackluster enough for them to clinch by week 13. Enjoy the playoffs Chicago.

3. Salt Lake City Elks will win the NFC West

This take exists only because I have to be wrong on one of these. The addition of Aaron Rodgers helps, sure, but this team is still absolute trash. What’s worse is the terrible decisions of the ownership are seeping into Aaron Rodgers head. You know he recently started talking to his father again? That’s what made him so great in the first place! No family distractions!

I’m predicting 8-8 at best for the Elk gang this year. Even that is probably too generous. Start praying to the Mormon Gods now, all 3 of them. It’s gonna be a long season.

32. Chicago Bears

The Bears have been a bottom feeder for ages and that won’t change anytime soon. With a rookie QB and 67 year old HB in Adrian Peterson, teams this year will beat the Bears harder than AP beat his son.

31. Memphis Egyptians

The old ownership left this teams future in shambles, and then the new ownership came in and handed Brett “which team am I on again?” Hundley $120 million. Terrible front office and terrible team. Bottom feeder for now and forever.

30. Houston Gunners

Sometimes I forget this is a team with how lackluster they are. Unclutch Brock Osweiler and an aging Tavon Austin aren’t going to save you from the gauntlet that is the AFC West. Give up and hope for a game changer at QB in the draft.

29. Miami Dolphins

Former owner of the Falcons. One thing we know for sure, he will absolutely sell out to try to compete now, forget the future. Fully expecting this team to be back on the market following this season, but not before trading away all future picks for the next decade.

28. Baltimore Ravens

Another team I forget even exists. TyGOD Taylor returns to Bmore, but his offensive weapons amount to a rusty nail and a pair of scissors. Enjoy another mediocre season Baltimore.

27. Arizona Cardinals

Gus Bradley won coach of the year because he’s blowing everyone on that committee. Trust me, I know (I was on the committee). This team is in the worst conference in the league, but that won’t help them.

26. Orlando Orbits

After getting bounced in the first round of the playoffs ownership had a panic attack and traded the entire team away hoping to rebuild. Can’t spell overreact without Bobby.

25. Salt Lake City Elks

They made moves and just landed Aaron Rodgers. It doesn’t matter. Their coach and ownership will crack under pressure like they always do. It’s just sad Aaron has to end his career in such a depressing place.

24. Los Angeles Rams

“We’re back baby!” Is what Rams ownership has been saying for 3 seasons. They’ll win 2 or 3 games and then sink back down to the shithole that they crawled out of.

23. San Francisco 49ers

The 9ers are ranked this late because they are in the most garbage division in the league. I’m not impressed with their 3 straight division titles. Do something in the playoffs then come talk to me.

22. Toronto Mounties

To be honest I forgot to rank them earlier, so they get to slide right in here. A bunch of rookies out on the field, if they can string together a few wins this year then watch out. They’ll be looking for that division title in the future.

21. Sacramento Condors

ODB is finally gone, and now this team is way worse than it was before. Enjoy mediocrity Sacramento.

20. Tennessee Titans

They ended with an 8-8 season to the surprise of many people last year. Their run game is strong behind Derrick Henry and when Mariota decides to throw to his own team they are hard to beat. However, Mariota does not possess the clutch gene therefore this team will never sniff the playoffs.

19. Oklahoma City Night Hawks

They came out of nowhere last year and barely missed the playoffs in a tough division. Show me some consistency this year and you’ll get my respect. Until then enjoy being third best in your division.

18. Columbus Aviators

A team that completely fell off the map last year after solid success the years prior is now on its third owner in three years. I’ve heard good things about the ownership and coaching staff, but I’m skeptical.

17. St. Louis Browns

I’m not sure what it is, but there is something about the Browns that makes me feel like this is their year to take the weak AFC North. Cody Kessler is slowly becoming clutch, but I’m not sure the team is fast enough to keep up for full season.

16. London Monarchs

Trading Rodgers away this late in his career was smart, but rookie QB Van Dyk is going to have a rough transition to the NFL this season.

15. Pittsburgh Steelers

The final team in the AFC North, the weakest division in the stacked AFC. They squeezed into the playoffs last year on the back of Sammie Coates, but they stupidly cut Big Ben and now must make do with Ryan Tannehill. Good luck with that one.

14. Austin Bats

Hey, I’m a little Bat Boy, looking for a playoff season. Hey, I’m a little Bat Boy, hey, I’m a little bat boy.

Can’t get this damn song out of my head.

13. Brooklyn Bulls

Landing Big Ben in his final season is huge for this team, but does he have the weapons to make a real push? I say no, especially in a division with the Patriots.

12. Buffalo Bills

Cam Newton, David Johnson, Sammy Watkins, and now MIKE EVANS?!?!? This offense is going to be scary. But they need to figure out the defense before they can compete with the Patriots.

11. Philadelphia Eagles

They just missed the playoffs last year, but they had a convincing win against the eventual Super Bowl Champions late in the year. Look for them to compete with fellow division rival Portland for a wildcard spot.

10. Minnesota Vikings

New ownership would typically scare me away from a team, but this front office is full of geniuses. They’ll figure it out.

9. Portland Snowhawks

Assuming their owner doesn’t get too high to function they’ll make the playoffs again, and get bounced early again. Same old same old.

8. Los Angeles Aftershocks

They were originally ranked 4 on this list but their front office has been too busy blacking out to show up to their past two games. If this continues the Shocks may miss the playoffs for the first time in 3 years.

7. San Antonio Marshalls

They had some great success last year knocking off prior Super Bowl Champion Aftershocks in the playoffs, but they haven’t been able to compete with the division rival Conquistadors yet.

6. Chicago Blues

Another team who has had playoff success but has a division foe standing in their way. If the Aftershocks falter look for the Blues to take their spot atop the AFC West.

5. Dublin Celtic Tigers

HB toss, HB stretch, HB counter, HB swing. A recipe for success in the NFC South, but good luck getting past the Cowboys or Lions in the playoffs.

4. Mexico City Conquistadors

I love me some defending champs, but their roster is beginning to age and they just traded away the best LT in the AFC. I won’t be surprised if this is the year the Patriots can finally make it past the Conqs.

3. New England Patriots

The best team in the AFC, no doubt about it. They have an amazing pass attack and a respectable run game. Couple that with a stout D and you have a recipe for a Super Bowl champion team. Now that they shipped locker room distraction Martavis Bryant away look for Gronkowski to get more involved in this offense. 

2. London Lions

Time to dispel a misconception, and that’s that the NFC is weak. They have the two best teams in the league, one of them being the Lions. As much as I love me some Conqs, the Lions would have won that Super Bowl had young West not gotten hurt before the game. Look for the Lions to make a push again this year.

1. Dallas Clutchboys

Dak Clutchscott, Ezekiel Clutchiott, Clutch Bryant, the list goes on and on. They decided to take a year off last season, probably because the LoA commissioner demanded they do in order to showcase league “parity.” Don’t get it twisted. The Cowboys are THE team in the LoA. Nobody else comes close. It’s their time now; just get out of the way.