Alright, guys. Since Hak is obviously too busy writing code for Skynet, I'm taking the mid-season power rankings into my own hands. Hak has teased the leagues collective penis for long enough and its time that I, Willfoxylove step in and rectify the situation. So without further ado, here are the mid-season power rankings for the RMFML 2015 season. And per usual, don't get butthurt about your ranking, GET BETTER. And remember, fuck Eric.
- This illegal immigrant is slowly making his way into the RMFML history books, as well as his new GF's butthole (well one of those things is true, you be the judge). He's won 2 of the last 3 superbowls, beating Dicktater Will both times (Eli Manning in Mexican form). As for this season, he's undefeated with an 8-0 record, which includes user wins over Bryan, Drew, Hak, Zach, and Jared. He has the #1 defense and the #5 offense with Ladarius Green and former-toss-baby Freeman leading his offense, and Leonard Williams on D. As the defending champ and a division leader with a 8-0 record, this Mexican hippy has solidified his spot at #1.... for now anyways. He's gone on two dates with his new GF, hopefully she knows about his 2 sb titles and his undefeated record in 2015, if not she will surely dump him for another more accopmplished Mexican madden player.
- This dude can't even come to grips with the fact that Randy Moss is not the greatest WR of all time. Look dude, you can make all the excel spreadsheets you want, Rice was cash money homie and is the GOAT. But anyways, Tommy Salami's Bills are currently sporting a 8-0 record with user wins over Josh twice, Drew, and Raj. Although Tommy hasn't had the most difficult of schedules, we can't ignore him at the #2 spot just because of his unblemished record. Dude lurks the field with Chip Kelly's golden boy, Kiko Alonso and wreaks havic on opposing offenses. Sporting the #3 offense with an aerial attack that solely focuses on Martavis Bryant and no one else, this offense is indeed a powerhouse. His defense is #4 in the league as well, making for a well rounded roster for this man. Hopefully he can come to terms with the fact that Moss is not the GOAT, or he may never win a SB in the RMFL... only time will tell.
-Jammin jay is rolling right now with a 7-0 record. He however has only 2 user wins under his belt with Josh and Austin. We however cannot ignore that he put a beating on Austin's speedy eagles 40-17 in week 4 and has thus earned his spot at #3 in the power rankings. He has the #12 offense and #4 defense currently in the league. I have no idea how he has the #4 defense though because he drafted like 6 fast WR's in a row and no defense whatsoever, but somehow he's made it worked.. This man is making the Flyin Hawaiin in Mariotta into a star with this ridiculous WR core centered around Julio, Perriman, and Kevin White. He will run four verts until your eyes bleed but you will break your controller in frustration after you literally cannot stop it. Jammin Jay is on a roll right now, but his schedule is getting tough very fast. It will be interesting to see how this dude who can't seem to figure out how to turn his push notifications on and responds to trade offers responds to a tough schedule coming up.
-Lawyerman Austin has assembled his usual speed demon team. With WR's who have little to no catch in traffic ability, but all the speed in the world, he looks to blaze past opposing defenders. Lawyerman Austin took a beatdown at the hands of Jammin Jay's Redskins 40-17 in week 4 and quit the league because he was frustrated by 4 verts and the toss, but then decided he would return just in time to put a shalacking on Dicktater Will's Saints 45-31. If not for that bad loss to a division rival, you could make the case for Austin's Eagles as the #1 or #2 team right now. Austin has 2 user wins, Spence Nice and Will. Although Spence is new, he has real potential, and we all know what Will can do. Austin has the #5 offense and the #16 defense in the league currently. Reaking havoc with Keuchly on the defensive side of the ball as his opponent plays catchup after a Tyler Locket post route TD or Dri Archer wheel route, this man has a strategy that has been effective for 12 seasons. And don't even try arguing with him, he'll lawyer your ass into submission and wish you hadn't disagreed with him. The Eagles schedule gets tougher in weeks to come.
-What can I say about Will? Dude has been the picture of consistency for quite some time now. After winning SB 10 vs. Austin, Will took a tough loss in SB 11 to Mexican Eddie's Cardinals. He looks to rebound with this newly drafted team centered around his usual WR core as well as elite CB Richard Sherman. Will has only 1 user win currently, but he beat Eric so bad (63-7) that he got drunk, left the chat for a day or so, then eventually quit the league over it. This dicktater has the #2 offense and the #10 defense in the league and loves to air it out with his WR's Kelvin, Amari, and Parker. He lurks the field with Wagner hoping you'll toss him that INT he so desperately needs to stop your driving offense. With the addittions of Gilbert, Knile, and Chandler Jones, this team looks to improve on both sides of the ball and eventually make their way into their opponents anus like Lemmiwinks. Hopefully he'll shut up about his obsession with Kylo Ren, like for real dude, Kylo's a lil bitch who lost to a girl in a lightsaber fight.
-Houston, we have a problem, our coach is unreasonably hairy. This dude sports some of the finest body hair that you've ever seen though. I've heard theres a black market demand for Trumble bodyhair that goes for a pretty steep price. This hair makes the warmest coats and blankets around... so I hear. But anyway, Alec's Texans has the #1 offense and the #7 defense. This team is extremely balanced with Winston gunning passes around the field, and Christine Michel running the ball very well at the moment. Alec has a great WR core with Montgomery, Watkins, and Cameron that keep defensive backs shaking in their boots. Alec beat Raj and Josh, but lost to Eric 35-17 in week 2. If not for this one embarrasing loss to Eric, who would never stop spamming the chat with trade offers, Alec could easily be top 3. Alec has some tough games coming up though and we're gonna see what this hairy man is made of soon enough.
-Where do I start with Weave? This bitch will run the toss until you pull all of the cords out of your ps4 and break it in half over your knee. He'll also take the full 2 days every single time without fail because of his "busy schedule" where he has to teach kids the correct thumb-in-butt technique for 2 hours a day at the local high school. Seriously though, Weave's seahawks are the most polarizing team in the current MFML lineup because when you can't stop that toss, he will make you pull your hair out as he runs up the sideline for a 60 yard TD. But hey if it works, it works. Weave sports user wins over Bryan, Drew, Spence Nice in his first game ever, and Dave. Weave has a schedule thats rather favorable the rest of the way and could possibly be in contention for the 1 seed and an undefeated record. He has #7 offense (#1 rushing of course, #1 tossing offense too) and #3 defense. Weave is going to be a tough out for anybody who plays him because his Rex Ryan offense is very difficult to slow down currently. Hopefully he can play with a lead so he doesn't throw 4 ints with Nassib in one half.
-Zach is a ghost most the time. Seriously, what does this hairy bastard even do most of the time. He's quite possibly the funniest dude in our entire league and we rarely ever hear from him. Stop selling goat poop and start talking with your bros in the league some more you Barnidge loving bastard. Zach has one user win over Jared and one devistating loss to Eddie Spaghetti. With only 2 user games under his belt and such a beatdown of a loss to Eddie, #8 is currently where Zach belongs. Zach has the #6 offense and the #1 pass defense in the entire league. With such a stout secondary led by Harrison Smith ballhawking in the middle of the field, opponents should have a tough time throwing against this man's defense. Although he has Witten instead of Barnidge this time, Hundley will almost certaintly run a play action and throw a flag route to Witten. Zach loves this play and the loves throwing to the white man. Is Zach Chip Kelly of the RMFML? Idk, thats a story for TMZ. Zach looks to make it back to the SB in the 2015 season with the poop-stain Browns.
-Hak has supposedly joined forces with the machines of Skynet and thus employeed the strategy of "if you can't beat em, join em". Hak, who hails from Pakistan and not North Africa, is coding his life away behind a computer screen and seemingly ignoring his roster, but will likely turn it around in the coming weeks. Hak has 2 user wins, 1 over Bryan, and one over Dave, and one user loss to Bryan. Hak had such a close, crushing defeat of Dave on a last play of the game pick six that Dave almost crumbled and quit the league; Hak seems to have that sort of effect on his opponents. Pakistani Hak employs a flood-heavy strategy where he will drive you insane with Travis Benjamin torching you in the slot. These Vikes however are in desperate need of a QB as Hak tries to replace his Hawaiin soulmate in Mariotta. Hak has the #8 offense and #5 defense and looks to reach his first ever SB by flooding your team in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.
- Dr. Raj is at your service. Formally the bitter rival of Sir Dave, Raj spends most of his time chucking the ball down field 55 times a game. With Steven and Fred Jackson as his RB's, Dr. Raj has employed the zero-RB strategy in madden. With Dez and OBJ leading the way, all secondarys which face this man will crumble in his shadow. Dr. Raj's medicine for your madden ailments? 55 passing attempts, and 6 TD's on your defense. You can pick up that medicine at your local pharamacy anytime. Raj is 1-3 in user games this season. He beat Josh, but lost to Eric, Tommy, and Alec. He'll have to improve upon his 31st ranked rushing attack and clock management skills if he wants to beat more users and hoist that Lombardi trophy at the end of this season. Seriously dude, hook me up with vamp chick already.
-Where do I start with Jared? Jared hasn't played madden since like the 2012 version. He thought he could come into this league and slang his Rex Ryan, run heavy offense D around and we would all bow before his greatness. Not so fast, JareBear. This man however is quickly adapting to the speed of Madden 16 and the members of this league. Aside from the one beatdown Eddie Spaghetti gave him, he two close games to Zach (by 10) and Drew (by 7). This man is struggling but will quickly find his form with Luck at QB, Lacy at RB, and an absolutely insane LB core/D Line. His offense and defense are currently both around the middle of the pack at 15th and 13th respectively, so if Jarebear wants to make a run in the playoffs, he's gonna have to open up his passing attack and stop running the god damn flea flicker. IT DOESN'T WORK IN MADDEN.
-This dude has the biggest, but most sensitive balls in the entire galaxy. Don't get into an argument with Big Balls Bryan because those sensitive, dinosauric balls will be slangin around all up in your personal space. Bryan is 1-3 in user games this season with losses to Hak, Eddie, and Tossmeister Weave, and a win vs Hak.. He'll have to quickly correct the ships course if he wants to sail into the playoff promiseland. Sitting at 5-3, Bryan has the 10th ranked offense and 15th ranked defense. Aside from Jamie Collins suring up the midle of his defense, this lions defense is struggling and going nowhere fast. Hopefully coach Bryan can get his team enthused and set their sights towards a playoff run. This man's offense has talent though. He has the reigning mvp in Cam at QB, Demaryius at WR, and Karlos Williams leading his ground game. If he can't get that defense together, he'll have to hope he can simply outscore his opponents. Put those ginormous balls to good use and rally the troops, Brydad.
-This man has made some serious improvements in his game, as well as his off-field issues. He used to threaten to quit the league after each embarrasing loss, but after a league wide debate over it and some soul searching, Dave has grown and begun to show a lot of class in defeat. After each loss he would say something like "Guys, I can't even", but not he congratulates his opponent after each fresh defeat like a good sport. Nice job, Face, we appreciate you. Dave has the 9th ranked offense and 11th ranked defense. His offense is led by QB Blake Bortles, RB Lesean McCoy and WR Michael Floyd, quite a formidable group. His defense is led by league sack leader Aaron Donald who I think Dave may have some sort of love-crush on. Dave is however 0-2 in user games this season with that devistating pick 6 loss to Hak and a crushing defeat vs Weave as well. Dave/Poe/Face will have to model his madden game after his real life Starbucks/picking up chicks game if he wants to make a playoff run. Can he reach the playoff promise land for the first time ever? Only time and a pumpkin spice latte can tell.
-SpenceNice came in the league and immediately started cutting all his fast players. For real, dude? What do you have against guys with speed? He started Billie Beane'ing his team by trading Dorsett for Torrey Smith and cutting both Marquise Goodwin and JJ Nelson, who were added by Raj and Will respectively. Hopefully Spence can change Eric's 63-7 course and make a playoff run with his slightly adjusted roster. In his first game in the league he got smashed by Weave's toss-boys 49-7 and then by Austin's speed demons 38-10. Spence currently has the 22nd ranked offense and 20th ranked defense. He'll have to improve on both sides of the ball and stop blue-balling his league mates on trade offers if he wants to make a playoff run. Hopefully he can stop lawyering everybody, as well as stop throwing INT's.
-Drewdad is having a bit of rough year in 2015. Everyone knows he has one of the finest beards we've ever seen, but will that really help him in rallying the troops? He currently has the 8th ranked defense and the 25th ranked offense. An 8th ranked defense is great, but Drew is quickly realizing that if you can't score, you can't win in this league. By trading standout Justin Gilbert, this bearded bastard acquired Sammi Coates from Will to help boost his WR core and overall offense. Hopefully this will open up Hill in the running game and allow Drew to outscore more opponents. Drew beat Jared 24-17, but lost to Eddie, Tommy, and Weave. A 1-3 user record won't cut it in this league, and that may be precisely why coach Drew took his team to Key West for a much-needed break. They'll be resting and sipping on pina coladas until Tuesday of next Week as Coach Drew attempts to build team comradery and get this offense rolling.
-Josh, Josh, Josh. Come on, bro. You're better than this. You played Will extremely tough in the AFC divisional round in a 43-36 game that came down to the wire. After that game its been a downward spiral for this man's Dolphins. He has so much potential, but right now this team is struggling. He has the 30th ranked offense and the 26th ranked defense. Neither of those rankings are going to get it done for this season. Sitting at 1-7, Josh is going to have turn things around fast or start preparing for next season and the rookie draft. He's 0-5 in user games this season and constantly breaking controllers. Come on dude, don't take it out on the controller. Do unto the controller as you would have done unto you. This roster is loaded with talent, it just hasn't clicked yet for Josh's Dolphins. Don't worry though, you're still lightyears cooler than Eric.