The Cleveland Browns (9-5) at the Oakland Raiders (9-5): The smell of weed and suspension is in the air as Josh Gordan returns to the field. This game essentially decides who makes it to the playoffs and who stays home so tensions are tight. Although the AFC is bar none the best of the two conferences, we have two teams from the sorriest divisions facing off this week. Both teams are hmm... okay? In their own right but lets be real, this is the NFL this isn't the T&UMBYFL (ten & under mommy's backyard football league). That being said I think this game is gonna turn out to be quite the shit show.
I think the deciding factor of this game will essentially be what team embarrases themselves the least which really is a tossup. This is what some of the elite players of the league had to say about this week's matchup:
"As a former Browns coach, it's disgusting how Coach Swissy has treated them this season. In any other world he would be fired and replaced with literally anyone. A dead cat would do a better job. Coach QDaManQ over in Oakland has some good play calls, but honestly it's hard to care because it's the Oakland Raiders. And who really gives a shit?"'
-Hass (Dallas Cowboys, Coach - #1 Supporter of Teenage Pregnancy)
"Year in and year this is a great matchup and an exciting one for the NFL. Actually that's a lie. The Browns have been bad for a really long time. I mean one of the worst franchises in professional sports. A true disappointment for the league and the city of Cleveland. But sure this game should be decent."
-Chris (Atlanta Dalcons, Coach - #2 Favorite Person in the League)
Again this week we have another team who has had major problems getting a starting Quarterback and sticking with him. This week that team is the Oakland raiders. Time after time coach QDaManQ has been caught weeping visciously into his pigskin hankerchief while screaming "WHY GOD, WHY CAN'T MALLET THROW THE DANG FOOTBALL WHY!?" The key for the Raiders this week is to keep Mallet calm and protected all game, don't make him go deep and just keep the focus off of him entirely. If Mallet can throw 15-17 passes with a good completetion percentage and 0 interceptions it would 1. be a miracle and 2. drive this raiders team to a somewhat, playoff clinching win. With a defensive line like the Raiders have getting to the opposing QB should not be a problem and it's something they certainly need to be aggresive with. Manziel throws a lot of interceptions as it is, if the front 4 can get pressure on Manziel consistently withouth actually having to send any other blitzers than this game will be all but in the bag for the Raiders. Blah blah blah something about Latavius Murray and how much Q loves him.
Week after week it seems like the Browns are pulling miracle victories out of their asses, I think they're not even sure how it's happening but there must be some sort of god involved. With a team as stacked as the Cleveland Browns there's not much really to say about them, if they even play up to 50% of their potential they should win the game but it's going to come down to Manziel. Interception after interception is the talk around Johnny Football this season. For every TD Manziel throws it seems like there's a matching interception to follow and if he follows suit this game then he's in for a long one because the Raiders will take advantage of him. What the Browns need to do on defense is play conservatively. With Mallet having a pretty awful season it doesn't take much to throw him off his rhythm if the Browns stay patient that game changing interception could easily fall into their hands... Josh Gordan could play a huge factor in this game or he could be entirely too blazed to realize that he's playing football, at the very least he will be a distraction suited in an orange, white and brown jersey.
With playoff hopes lingering on the ending of this game I expect both owners to interject periodically throughout the game in the group me chat with nonsense such as "another dropped pick..", "NONSENSE", "bathroom" and "I'm getting Maddened so hard right now" and while this will certainly be obnoxioius it will provide some great entertainment to the other players in this league.
Things to look for:
Raiders:
1. Ryan Mallet - Though Mallet has proven to be somewhat of a bust, this is the time he will need to shine. Keeping his passes smart and short will be critical in his success.
2. Latavius Murray - Somewhat of a wrecking ball, Murray, will need to put up some big numbers in order for the Raiders to get into the endzone.
3. Suh/Fairley - By far the most dangerous dline combination in the NFL. They will be critical in how many interceptions Manziel is bound to throw.
Brown:
1. Johnny Manziel - Keeping his throws smart and conservative, forcing the ball will only get him into trouble and going deep is always a roll of the dice. I think him being very mobile in this game could actually play to his advantage and take the Raiders defense by surprise.
2. Jamaal Charles - Though I think he's up against his toughest matchup this season Charles will have somehow manage to find holes in the solid Raiders run defense and help keep the ball out of Manizel's hands.
3. Josh Gordan - Hopefully not too rusty after a few games suspsension Gordan must find ways to get open towards the outsides of the field, I don't think he has a chance at being succesful if he's running crossing routes in this game.
Predicted Final Score
Oakland Raiders 24 - Cleveland Browns 10
The Indianapolis Colts (7-4) and the Jacksonville Jaguars (7-4): Who would’ve though the battle to take the lead of the AFC South would be fought out between two of the most miserable teams in the NFL. Now the winner of this game will certainly take the lead of the AFCS it in no way solidifies a first place finish overall.
Now the question everyone is asking is “Can the Colts survive without Andrew Luck?” I, for one, personally think absolutely not that would be like a one legged man trying to run, a wingless bird trying to fly, a Swissy with no polls… Despite my views on the matter I went to the streets and got the opinions of a couple of the most knowledgeable NFL owner as to whether or not the Colts could pull this win out despite Luck being out for the game with a rectal injury.
“Fuck no…”
– QdaManQ (Oakland Raiders, Coach)
“Andrew Luck is at best a small cog in a terrible, crumbling-under-its-own-weight machine. The Colts have not soared this season, mostly under-performing. Luck, as viewers of the BCN will know, and is often subject to bouts of Luck v Luck, when replays are shown it's obvious that Luck's skill is limited in reality. What he does have though is astounding good luck. With him out, so goes his luck.”
-Hass (Dallas Cowboys, Coach – Author of popular erotic fan fiction “All Homo with Romo”)
The Jags quarterback position has been a rotating door of mediocre janitors trying to fulfill their dreams of playing in the big leagues. It seems as if 2nd year QB Blake Bortles will be getting the start against the Colts and he’s going to have to put up some big numbers. Bortles has thrown for 995 yards this season completing 7 touchdowns while throwing 8 directly into the hands of the other opponents. He’ll have to step up in a big way against the Colts weak offense if he wants to keep playing for this Jacksonville squad. If Bortles is going to put up some big numbers the Jags NEED to gets their running game, which at one point in the season looked very promising, going. On defense the only way they’ll be successful is if they get pressure on Mahone, the young Colts QB. If they let him sit back in the pocket he’ll pick their defense apart all game.
With luck out the Colts must depend on the run game to get started early, they can’t fall behind a few possessions and put all of the pressure on the rookie QB. On defense the key will be to get Bortles to start going over the top, when forced into throwing the deep ball he gets sloppy and that’s something the Colts will need to take advantage of. Indianapolis will need to play a slow and drawn out game and take control of the clock, avoiding any unnecessary pressure on the young Mahone. If the Colts can decide the pace that this game is played at then they will be setting themselves up for success.
Once upon a time a great, great man had a dream that the AFCS would be sending 3 teams to the playoffs but with the tight race happening in the AFC every week that dream becomes more and more like a piece of fiction. With the new found inspiration in the Oakland Raiders locker room they have quickly snuck themselves into the playoff race with no one noticing OR caring, hopefully one day they will figure out their quarterback situation but for now they are a lost cause. The AFCE has hopes of sending two of their teams to the playoffs but it seems as if even by the second the New England Patriots are losing a lot of steam. If the Patriots are in the playoff race you know that’s going to be surrounded by controversy and rumor has it that owner, Stu Fontaine, is traveling across the country removing R1 buttons from the rest of the owners. Nothing substantial has been found yet but the investigation, by lead detective HLHBK, is currently underway.
Things to look for:
Jaguars:
1. Christine (odd name for a feller) Michael – This young HB has shown a whole lot of promise in quite a few games, though he has fallen off the past couple I feel confident that he will make quite the triumphant comeback this week.
2. Blake “The Shake” Bortles – With the nickname “The Shake” you may think “no way can this guy toss the pigskin down the field with success!!!!” but the pressure is on this week and judging by his snapchats alone Mr. Bortles does have what it takes to get the job done.
3. Jacksonville’s Pass Rush – Although relatively quiet all season the Jags defensive core is ready to avenge their early season loss to the Colts and take lead of the division by taking down the QB 5-6 times this week.
Colts:
1. Dillan Mahone – Coming into this game after a strong win off the Jets Mahone will have to be efficient with his passing, keep everything underneath and keep the chains moving. If done correctly Mahone will continue his success.
2. Tavon Austin – As one of the newest members of the Colts offensive unit Austin will need to be constantly setting the Colts up with good field position on KRs and PRs. He cannot rely on his offense to be able to consistently go down the field 70-80 yards per drive.
3. Vontae Davis – Davis will be key in shutting down Bortles. Davis needs to capitalize on any little mistake Bortles makes in order to keep the Colts defense off the field. Shutting down the Jags #1 receiver will directly correlate with Blake Bortles’ success in this matchup.
Predicted Final Score
Jaguars 31 – Colts 27