MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, ILLINOIS - You had to be there to believe it. Portland had the ball in overtime, 4th and 11 from Miami's 38 yard line. WOAT MADDENPLAYER was unmoved. Despite the pleading by the vast majority of his assistants on the sideline to punt the ball, the maverick chose to forge his own destiny, and sent Giorgio Tavecchio trotting out to the huddle. 

The stadium fell silent. You could hear the simultaneous heartbeat of the 70,000+ fans who had traveled to watch the Snowhawks that evening. You could hear the anxious breathing of Giorgio in the nosebleeds, as he prepared to take the most monumental kick of his career. The silence was damning- it truly was- and the Snowhawks reveled in the pressure, clear as day. It was time to do what had to be done. It was time to fell the beast.

Tavecchio called for the snap, kicked the ball and for a split second althroughout the stadium, before the chaotic eruption of celebration was to ensue, you could hear the death of Erik theGOAT's soul. It was a shriek cry, followed by a whimper of accemptance, and humility. He had been broken.

----

The game begun as anybody expected and the Snowhakws had looked like they were preparing to be buried after Sam Bradford threw an interception right into the hands of Darren Nicholas. Portland fans jeered, some even left the stadium. This did not dissuade WOAT MADDENPLAYER from starting his jouernyman quarterback however, and the interception seemed to ignite a fire in Bradford. He kept the game close, going drive for drive, score for score with Ryan Tannehill from then on. By the end of the first half the score was 21 - 20 Miami. 

At the start of the second half, Miami had received the ball only to be driven off the field by Portland's increasingly aggressive defense. The Snowhawks offense took advantage of the opportunity and didn't look back, driving down the field in their usual systematic fashion and taking a 26 - 21 lead before scoring a two-point conversion to go up 28 - 21. From that point on in the second half we witnessed more of the same offensive prowess that was displayed in the first half by the two high-powered teams, both exchanging score for score until late into the 4th quarter. Portland had retained a small advantage by having the leading possession, but would lose the advantage after a quick three and out with only 4 minutes left in the half. 

By then the score was 42 - 42 and the Dolphins would seize the opportunity provided by the Snowhawks lost possession, driving down the field and retaking the lead 49 - 42 just before the two minute warning. Again, WOAT MADDENPLAYER would stick to his guns, and again, Sam Bradford met Tannehill's touchdown with a score of his own (after being set up by a mircale Larry Fitzgerald catch) brining the score to 49 - 49 with just 1:04 seconds left. What happened next is almost unbelievable, but it most certainly is laughable. 

The Miami Dolphins retook possession of the ball and drove down the field in more than enough time to put themselves in comfortable field goal territory. Unfortunately for the Miami orginization, and the entire Miami fanbase, Ryan Tannehill forgot who and where he was for a breif moment in time, and was reportedly heard mumbling and grunting incoherently on the line as time expired, setting the stage for Portland's victory, detailed above, in overtime. 

The offensive MVP of the game was Adrian Peterson yet again, who racked up 129 yards and 5 touchdowns on 26 attempts. None of the players or staff on the Snowhawks could be reached for comment, as they're far too lost in the depths of Oregon celebrating this unexpected, unprecedented victory. 

If they were able to comment, I'd imagine they'd ask something along the lines of "why didn't Miami just spike the fucking ball, m8?

MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, ILLINOIS - The Portland Snowhawks have felled the Mexico City Diablos in a game that has sparked a violent rivalry overnight. The capital of Mexico is up in flames as thousands of rioters have taken to the streets, looting and pillaging anything in site, and have begun attacking police task forces at will. The Snowhawks were escorted out of  the "El Infierno," or simply Hell (the Diablos stadium), by a team of Navy SEALs as they witnessed Mexican society deteriorate around them. The extraction was timed precisely for the end of the game. At this point the Snowhawks are safe and are nearly back in Portland. 

The game kicked off at noon central time and was aggressive from the beginning. Trevor Reedy, rookie quarterback of the Diablos drafted in the 5th round, looked very much the part of newblood, throwing 4 interceptions to a hungry Snowhawks defense. Mexico City's run game was stifled early, and Antoine Smith would only get a maximum of 8 attempts, racking up 4 total rushing yards. Despite the failures of Smith and Reedy, there was one other individual on the Diablos offense to blame for this loss, and that was Jimbo Graham, overpriced TE extranvagant. Despite being the focus of the Diablos pass game, he only managed to gain a total of 98 yards on 9 receptions, while fumbling (and losing possession of the ball) on 3 of those possessions, setting up two of Portland's scoring drives. 

The offensive game didn't really look much better for Portland, truth be told. There was only one factor that seperated the Snowhawks from the Diablos: Adrian fuckin' Peterson. He's resumed his role as workhorse of the Snowhawks offense and led his team to victory on his 30 carry 127 yard effort. Sam Bradford, on the other hand, looked about as talented as the rookie Reedy. While he was efficient at getting the ball to his receivers, he couldn't hit the end zone if his life depended on it, being shutout from a TD pass for the second straight game. He completed 64% of his passes and threw for a single interception.

Adrian Peterson had this to say via Skype, with his team celebrating in the background of the Antonov AN-124 Ruslan the were extracted in: "We gotta show these niggas its love at the top. Niggas want beef, niggas want drama, fuck that Portland comin' together, we gotta come together, look at one another, be one another, and there's one thing that'll do it and that's love. I fuckin' love my team man. What's up man! FUCK Mexico City!" he cut transmission then and there to add effect.

Certainly strong words delivered by a strong man, Peterson has truly proven he is the heart and soul of this new and improved Snowhawks roster. They no longer attend weekly therapy meetings, instead having cookouts at AD's house to create chemistry and establish a sense of camaraderie.

Will Mexico City recover from this tragedy, as its constiuents raze it to the ground? Will Portland be able to stop Miami's absolutely ridiculous offensive attack? The answer is no to the latter question. Portland has already accounted for next weeks loss and have taken to considering the game as a practice rather than an actual competition. The cheese is too stronk in Miami.

MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, ILLINOIS - Star rookie linebacker Brenden Walker has been sent to the Portland Snowhawks in a deal that has sent former Portland star Cardarious McBride to Mexico City. Walker is excited to get back to 1st world society, calling his experience in Mexico "detrimental to an individuals character in every way, shape, or form."

When asked for elaboration, he went on a full blown rant: "Mexico City is an absolute hellhole. The drug addled populace, the smog, the corruptive police force and the people's nonexistent civility suffocates an individual from the joys of life ... What the CCL doesn't want you to know is that the Cartels are in full control of the CCL franchise located there ... They feed their players adderall and amphetamine banana smoothies an hour and a half before gametime. I've already said too much."

In his first game as an NFL pro, Walker recorded seven tackles and a sack. Walker hasn't suited up for the Snowhawks yet, but McBride, who was virtually nonexistent in Portland, has already settled into Mexico City and has played a game for the Diablos recording a single tackle and a pair of INTs. McBride also is alleged to have called our office multiple times from an unidentified Mexican cellular device, before leaving this voicemail; "Brendon Walker is an unproven nobody that will never live up to the hype. Good luck in that shithole Portland, brah. I'm not even in the muddafuckin US anymore fuck outta here! Rafael conectarlo con la ganja jajajaja." Sources haven't confirmed that the voice we hear is in fact McBride, however, due to the content of the message, the American accent, and the unfiltered hatred for Portland, we can only be left assuming such is true.

While appearing on a Portland radio show upon returning home, Walker said that he'd do his best for the Snowhawks orginization, and made clear that he's happy to have left the clusterfuck known as Mexico City to come home to the True and Free U S of A. God bless this great and eternal Union. God bless these United States of America.

MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, ILLINOIS - Cardarious McBride, former star corner back for the Portland Snowhawks, has been traded to the Mexico City Diablos in a blockbuster deal that sends Diablos star rookie linebacker Brendon Walker to Portland. The trade came after a day of intense negotiations, as Frenkline, owner of the Baltimore Ravens, tried to undercut his own kin and snag McBride for himself.

McBride had this to say: "I'm happy for the opportunity Portland gave to me, but, truth be told, I was miserable there. I could walk down the street without being recognized. I'm 100% certain nobody in that city watches football and I look forward to feeling the energy of the Mexico City fanbase."

MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, ILLINOIS - The city of Portland is bustling with life in light of the Snowhawks first dominant performance at home, and fans (do people in Portland actually watch football?) are looking forward to more of the same against the visiting Detroit Lions this upcoming week.

The last time these two teams met was at Ford Field Week 9 just a season ago, and it was the first of Portland's two 2015 victories. The Snowhawks played their best game of the season, rekting the Lions 30 - 3. They followed the lead of (at the time) newly acquired free agent QB Trent Carter, who had a career day, throwing for 394 yards and 3 TDs, while completing 73% of his passes on 34 attempts. Roland Graves, then rookie WR out of Note Dame, and Fred Davis, Portland's franchise TE, both had 100+ receiving yards, while the run game thrived as a unit.

The Snowhawks defensive unit looked like it actually deserved to be on an NFL field for once, holding the Lions to only 59 passing yards. However, their run defense was as pathetic as it had been all season, making Marshawn Lynch look like a muddafuckin bulldozer out there as he stampeded his way to 119 yards on 15 attempts. The key defensive play came early in the game on a Marshawn Lynch run in the red zone, during Detroit's most solid drive. Lynch had broken several tackles and had found open space on the sideline when suddenly, like a cheetah murkin an antelope, Nate Allen caught up to Lynch and karate chopped the shit out of the ball. Lynch fumbled, Snowhawks recovered and subsequently drove down the field to score another touchdown.

The rest of the Detroit attack lacked Lynch's vigor, as displayed by the overwhelmingly lacking offensive performance through the air that had been mirrored only by the Snowhawks and Buccaneers that season. Matthew Stafford completed 32% of his passes, threw only 59 yards and threw 2 INTs to Portland's star rookie CB Cardarious McBride. Splitting 6 total receptions, Calvin Johnson Jr and Golden Tate proved to be nonfactors as neither was able to compile more than 45 yards on thei respective catches.

Detroit's defensive unit faired little better, allowing a total of 489 yards, 3 FGs, and 3 TDs.

On his local radio show, WOAT MADDENPLAYER was heard saying that "these motha fuckin Lions think they somethin, but they NOTHIN." This reporter agrees with you WOAT, and has put 10 grand on a Portland victory. Sam Bradford has looked solid for these inspired Snowhawks, despite ongoing rumors that hes been unhappy with ending up in Portland this season (or that he's unhappy with the powers that be that stuck him there), and I'm looking forward to seeing if hes capable of maintaining any sort of consistency while at the helm of this young, versatile Snowhawks offense.

MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, ILLINOIS - Erik, owner of the Miami Dolphins, has reportedly called sick into work tomorrow, so he can practice his Madden skills after being felled by Fust's Cincinati Bengals last week 64 - 38. According to a Dolphins source Erik "had to call off work tomorrow to tell them he couldn't make it because he had to lab nanos." Since the source was Eriks social media profile itself, I didn't have to reach anyone for comment, so I'll use this sentence to say "fuck you, Miami."

Will Erik refine his madden superiority and ever beat Fust? Time will tell. For now, there is cheese to be practiced in Miami, and work to call off.

MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, ILLINOIS - CJ Spiller has been tested and found to have taken adderall before Wednsdays game against the Dolphins. Spiller, starting halfback for the Cincinati Bengals, racked up a total of 400 all purpose yards, while rushing for 258 yards and 3 touchdowns on 27 attempts. The investigation was swift, and the penalty levied will be a one game suspension against the premier halfback.

We couldn't reach CJ for comment, but his agent was available, and he called the move "a professional mistake. The substance was recommended by a family friend and he thought it would help him with a perpetual heartburn."

The Cincinati Bengals take on the Baltimore Ravens next week, and will miss Spiller's drug induced prescense on the field.

MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, ILLINOIS - CJ Spiller, starting halfback for the Cincinati Bengals, is being investigated for using perfomance enhancing drugs after last weeks 64 - 38 blowout of the Miami Dolphins. Spiller racked up a total of 400 all purpose yards, recording 258 rushing yards and 3 touchdowns on 27 attempts.

Fust, owner of the Cincinati Bengals, had this to say: "y'all muddafuckas trippin suspend me idc I got the W, bish nikkas."

I'm with you, Fust. Fuck the Dolphins.

MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, ILLINOIS - Sam Bradford, former quarterback of the Salt Lake City Pioneers and current quarterback of the Portland Snowhawks, nearly was a Tennesse Titan this season before a controversial coin flip decision decided he would go to the Snowhawks. Critics compare the morality of the coin flip to human trafficking. 

"No consideration was given to Mr. Bradford or his desires," one insider said, "who wants to live in Portland? Its like sending somebody to live in Atlantic City, or Arkansas." 

"I heard players are required to have the suicide hotline on speed dial and attend weekly group therapy, as per stated in a Snowhawks contract..." another league source said.

The Snowhawks orginization, when reached for a comment, had only this to say: "We try to make our players feel at home here in Portland. We're a team first, individual last oriented franchise, yet we respect our players livelihoods and privacy."

Sounds like a load of bullshit to me, m8.

Bradford and the Snowhawks have looked good so far, but only time will tell if the pair can lift each other up from the muck of mediocrity. 

MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, ILLINOIS - Trent Carter has been placed on Injured Reserve after slipping on a yoga mat at rehab and inducing a career ending concussion. We were able to reach him for a comment, before he subsequently forgot who we were and why we had called him. Trent said, "I really prefer this arrangement, because of safety concerns..." He paused for a long moment before asking us who we were. Upon telling him we were reporters for the CCL, he went on a tirade about how he had just been signed to the abysmal Portland Snowhawks orginization. We hung up the phone to be polite.

Trent Carter was picked up as a rookie free agent halfway through the 2015 season, after the Packers had cut him, and played in only 8 games in his time with Portland. He earned a 1 - 6 record as a starter while throwing for 2459 yards, 10 TD and 17 INT. His final QBR was 69.9.

WOAT MADDENPLAYER couldn't be reached for comment.

RIP Trent Carter. You weren't the stopgap Portland deserved, you were the stopgap that Portland needed.

MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE, ILLINOIS - You read that right, you kunt. The Snowhawks won their first ever game at home (in regulation legally*), their second season in existence. Has hell frozen over? Perhaps. But one things for certain; theres more Snowhawk wins for you to look forward to.

Portland exploded out the gate and started murkin Falcons to earn a quick 31 - 7 lead by the 2:00 mark in the second quarter. Unfortunately, Atlanta's two minute offense was too clutch for the young Snowhawks defense, driving down the field and scoring a TD to make the score 14 - 31 at the close of the half. The Falcons came out in the second half determined to close the gap, scoring 13 points compared to Portland's lackadaisacal 6, but it was no use. The game was sealed by a Kurt Coleman interception on the Falcons final drive of the game. Final score: 37 - 28. 

The return of Adrian Peterson has reinvigorated the once suicidal Snowhawks, as displayed by the team's 483 yard offensive outing. AD logged 142 yards and 2 TDs in his annihliation of the Falcons. Sam Bradford, Portland's latest quarterback experiment, acquired in Week 1 of the preseason, looked like hes been playing with Larry Fitzgerald, Roland Graves, and the Snowhawks offense for years, going off for 326 yards while completing 67% of his passes on 31 attempts. He threw one interception and one touchdown, which was a GOAT 40 yard bomb to Alvaro Umodu, who snagged it out of the air while getting stabbed in the stomach by an Atlanta defender.

The Snowhawks no longer have a collective confidence equal to David's confidence with women, ladies and gentlemen. 'O,  the times they are a-changin'. 

* The Snowhawks won one game at home last season in overtime against the Salt Lake City Pioneers- however, the orginization broke a CCL phantom rule in their winning effort. As a consequence, they lost a 3rd round draft pick. The Kahn Precedent was established because of this, detailing CCL's first overtime rules.