Drinking the Yaterade: Season 92 Predictions

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

[Field opens one eye slowly and looks over at the alarm clock. His hair is a mess and he has lines imprints on his face, presumably from the wrinkles on his pillow, pressing into his childish face.]

“Oh good.” He mumbles to himself. “I can’t wait for this upcoming cycle. We have like 8 new users, I bet they are going to all pan out into the future of RZ!” He sits up in bed, stretches his arms in the air, and slips on his Lightning McQueen slippers. A nice hot glass of hot cocoa and reading the morning paper is on his mind. Too tired to make the cocoa himself, he places an order on Doordash. Outside, the morning paper awaits. Opening the door, he cannot believe what he sees. Piles and piles of newspapers resting on his porch. Some look to have been left outside to rot in the rain. “What kind of prank is this? I know I missed some of my predictions in Season 89, but this is ridiculous to do to me…. But I do admire the dedication to collect a bunch of old newspapers.” He grabs the freshest paper and sets it on his kitchen table. He gazes outside at the morning sunrise… what a beautiful day.

The doorbell rings. The cocoa is here (Starbucks is literally a block away. Yes, Field is that lazy… or wealthy… you decide). Taking the drink, he sits down at the table and takes a bit sip of the chocolatey goodness. So nice. So warm. So happy. Grabbing the newspaper, he takes off the rubber band and shoots it across the room at his cat Pistachio. “Stupid cat,” he says with a chuckle. Taking another sip, he opens the paper and looks down at the date.

Suddenly, hot molten chocolate is spewed across the kitchen.

“NOVEMBER?!!?!!?”

“ITS NOVEMBER 7^TH?!?!?!?”

“WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUU…”

Season 92 Predictions

Recycling Steel

My favorite storyline from this offseason (and cycle really) is what the Steelers do at QB. In season 90, we saw 77 OVR Justin Fields play okay, but threw 23 INTs on the year.

Not happy with those results, Fields was allowed to hit FA and the Steelers looked to the draft to replace him, selecting QB Ted Thurston with the 6^th OVR pick in the draft. Thurston went from a 74 OVR to an 80 OVR in one year span, but ol’ Teddy also threw 25 INTs on the year.

Not happy with these results, Thurston was traded to the Raiders and the Steelers looked to the draft to replace him, selecting QB Marco Heath with the 15^th OVR pick in the draft. Heath is only a 71 OVR, and has normal dev.

Prediction? Pack your bags Marco. You are about to go on a journey up that hill over there. We call it Mount Regression.

What the hell are you doing up here?

In Season 91, we saw a surprise at the top of the NFC, with the Commanders taking the 1 seed, while in the highly competitive NFC East. Am I a believer? I am not. On paper, both the Eagles and Cowboys have higher rated teams. Cowboys will lean on Justin Fields to right their ship, and the Eagles drafted a couple of studs on offense they hope to roll out early and often. I see the Commanders dropping back a bit, and should be around the 8-9 win mark this season.

All flights are cancelled

In season 91, the New York Jets were one of the best rushing teams in the league, gaining 2,807 combined yards on the ground, and nearly had two 1k rushers in Breece Hall and Braelon Allen. Unsatisfied with these results, Coach Chapstick knew what he had to do. He went out and added veteran Derrick Henry to the mix, because of course, that’s what they needed! With the “Ground Control” in full force, I predict this trio to help the Jets eclipse 3k total yards rushing.

If you ain’t first, you’re last…. Or maybe you really are just in last.

Predictions for the 3 worst records this season:

Seattle Seahawks
Las Vegas Raiders
New York Giants

Eee-ee-ee! (That’s Dolphinese for “Oh no!”)

Last season, we saw quite the run from the Dolphins, as Tauph and the Dolphins finally took home the SB trophy. Congrats to the war hero!

However, with some very unfun contracts to deal with this offseason, the team has regressed into one of the worst on paper. While the playbook and coaching pedigree can help this team slightly stay afloat, I suspect they will regress quite a bit, especially looking at that secondary. For them to win, they are going to need to score, and score a lot. I think the offense has the arsenal to do that in many games, but I suspect they fall beneath the Jets and Bills.

Season 92 Offensive Rookie of the Year – QB Andrew Horton, Carolina Panthers

This draft appears to be a pretty exciting one. We had 5 QBs taken in the 1^st round alone. However, I only suspect Horton, the highest OVR of the bunch, to do very much this season. There are a handful of WRs who will look to make impacts early (Combs, MIN; Meadows, PIT; Hayes, DET; Graham, CLE; just to name a few), as well as HBs (McNeal, MIN; Best, CLE; McMahon, BUF; Warner, DET; Hall, CHI; Farrow, HOU; and Clarke, NO). We should see rookies all over team’s offensive game plans this upcoming season. Would I be surprised to see a skill player of this bunch eclipse 1,400 yards? Nope. But when it comes to making predictions, give me the safe bet on a QB.

Season 92 Defensive Rookie of the Year – MLB Enrique Temple, Miami Dolphins

If you have made it this far and read the previous talking points, you saw there is work to be done on defense for the Dolphins. I think Temple, who was picked 32^nd overall, is an X-Factor on that defense and will be doing all the work to keep them in games. I also believe Ravens 3^rd round pick DeVante Thorpe might be in the mix, but alas, I am sure there will be a surprise defender who gets a ton of sacks or INTs that I never saw coming.

Season 92 Offensive Player of the Year – QB JJ McCarthy, Minnesota Vikings

This Vikings rebuilt offense should be young, and fun to watch (unless you are on the other sideline). Justin Jefferson will get his, Hock will get his, and now we have some rookies who are hungry for touches. Add this all together, and you have one constant: McCarthy. Surround a guy with options and let him deliver.

Season 92 Defensive Player of the Year – MLB Troy Anderson, Denver Broncos

Stop me now if you have heard about this guy playing out of his G.D. mind. A freak athlete who has brought in double digit INTs in both of the last 2 seasons. Plays in an AFC West that is prime to continue to throw more. I like those odds.

Season 92 Most Valuable Player – QB Josh Allen, Buffalo Bills

He has been on another planet the last two years. Like no QB has even been in the same conversation. Now his 2^nd year WR got even harder to cover. GG.

Season 92 Super Bowl Predictions – New York Jets 31, Minnesota Vikings 30

Vikings go for 2 in the closing moments… Big sack from T.J. Watt. GG.

Now to figure out this stupid alarm so I wake up next season….