Drinking the Yaterade - Season 86 Predictions
by AST1N | 1 year ago | 0 Comments
2024 is upon us. Some of you might even lie to yourselves and say you are going to the gym and get in shape, lose some weight, and not be a complete trash bag. Others have accepted the trash bag life. Well friends, let me tell you this. You don’t get to decide that. The trash bag life chooses you. And guess what, if you are reading this….. the outlook does not look good.
On the other hand, 2024 will also bring new things. We’ve got new players! That’s exciting. The league’s file is still intact! It’s weird that we celebrate that! And lastly, we are a mere ~6 weeks away from Bro Trip ’24, which will hopefully be full of inside jokes that will be blasted in main chat and those who didn’t attend will just pretend to know what they are talking about for the next year, and will have to have things put together with context clues.
Either way, new year, new Red Zone!
Just kidding, we will never change.
Recap time!
A New Threat to the AFC
Lately, when you think about who might be representing the AFC, most people will flock to the AFC West and the occasional very smart predictions of the Titans. The Colts have been a fun story as well. Today I am going to throw in a dark horse to this contest: the Jacksonville Jaguars. Trevor Lawrence is a very talented Madden QB, and Spittah’s CPU GM has helped him draft WRs in back to back drafts. Pair that with Etienne, the Jaguars are turning into a very fun offense. Time will tell if Terry can replicate his offensive success he had in Cincy just a few seasons ago, but he is headed on that path. The AFC S will be a fun one to watch.
The AFC South was indeed a fun one to watch, as the Titans stole the AFC 1 seed, going 14-3. However, the Jaguars did not disappoint, improving from 7-10 the prior season up to 13-4. They also made it all the way to the AFC Conference Championship, before losing to the Chiefs. I will take a big dub on this one.
I Hate It Here
The Bucs are going 17-0 this season. With 12 games remaining, they only have the Bears, Falcons, Panthers, and Jets left as teams with winning records. Don’t hold your breath, because you will be waiting at least 13 weeks for them to get some real chances at losing.
17-0. Another dub, but I wish I would have missed this one. At least this season we don’t have to worry about ANOTHER perfect season!
King of the North
5 weeks into the season, and the Vikings already have a 2 game lead in the NFC North, as they sit 5-0 on the season. They also sit at 3-0 on the season in divisional games, and have the 2nd highest point differential in the league. This one is a wrap; the other 3 NFC teams can throw in the towel now. Who knew that you just needed to trade your two best offensive weapons on your first day on the job to get to this point. [Takes notes]
That lead went from a 2 game divisional lead all the way up to a 7 game lead, as we witnessed for the first time in Red Zone where we had two teams with perfect regular season records. I am 3-0 thus far… I should play the lotto more. Am I legally allowed to do sports betting within ESPN headquarters?
Oden? More like Odumb.
Don’t look now, but the Bengals are 1-4 on the season, are 31st in passing offense, and 29th in scoring. Sure, losing Jamarr Chase for the first 6 games doesn’t help, but neither does losing you’re All-Pro QB and moving to 2nd year QB Gerald Oden. Oden is only completing 58% of his passes thus far, and has yet to eclipse 1k yards so far. With the Burrow trade, the Bengals whiffed on their pick (3rd pick overall) in taking Donnie Stover, an outside linebacker from Ohio State. Stover was tied for the 3rd worst OVR rating for ALL players picked in the 1st round, and you hate to see that for a guy who is already 23 years old. Stover has 3 total tackles in 5 games so far, and he really is JAG (Just A Guy). Raise your hands if you saw this one coming.
Odumb lead the Bengals to a stellar 7-10 record, completed 56% of his passes with a 26/16 TD/INT ratio.
Donnie Stover finished his immaculate rookie season eclipsing 5 whole tackles and 1 INT on the season. That was exactly the production Pat expected from the 3rd overall pick. (Don’t look now, he’s got 4 tackles and 1 sack thus far in Season 86!)
Season 85 Offensive Rookie of the Year
WR Ray Kennedy, Tennessee Titans
There are quite a few options this year at HB/WR, and QB Conrad Swift hasn’t wowed me quite yet. When in doubt, go with the #1 pick in the draft.
RFK was a no-brainer, as everyone watched him to get the usage from Coach Mojica we all expected for a guy you give up so much draft capital to get.
I DON’T MISS
Season 85 Defensive Rookie of the Year
OLB J.C. Pettis, Minnesota Vikings
Pettis wasn’t even the top pick for the Vikings. He wasn’t even the top defender they took. Safety Jameel Albert is an absolute stud and game wrecker, but Pettis is a guy who is doing everything at the moment.
Okay, I missed. I will always claim defenders are the hardest thing to predict success, as you never know who is going to break out and get the stats. Pettis didn’t have a bad year at all, as he pulled in 47 solo tackles, 5 sacks, 3 FF, and 3 INTs. The future is bright with this kid (unfortunately!).
Season 85 Offensive Player of the Year
WR Rashee Rice, Kansas City Chiefs
Sure Adel traded for AJ Brown. Little did Brown know he was just going take the small plays and let Rice do all the big plays. Rice is going to get 2k yards on the season. He has 630 on the season, and that includes a 1 catch for 12 yards in a simmed game. You can do the math.
His numbers tallied off at the end of the season, as he only finished with 1,644 yards and 10 TDs. Those numbers could have been much, much higher if he didn’t get a sim game in Week 4 where he got 11 yards, and 2-0 loss to the Eagles in Week 18, where things got weird and the players just went home early. In his last 10 games (including playoffs), Rice only went for over 100 yards twice.
Defensive player of the Year? Apparently I forgot this section. Let’s just pretend I said Aaron Donald, patted myself on the back for being not only a genius, but a fantastic looking one as well, and let’s move on.
Season 85 Most Valuable Player
QB Patrick Mahomes, Kansas City Chiefs
Assuming the awards ballot is released before Adel gets eliminated.
Similar to the synopsis of Rashee Rice, things tallied off in the 2nd half of the season for him and had a few unfortunate circumstances that dropped him back. He still finished the year with 3 second place votes and 4 third place votes for MVP, which put him at 6th overall in the voting. I will note that 75% completion is very nutty, and he was 2nd in yards with 5,305 passing. He just needed more TDs.
Season 85 Superbowl
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 41, Kansas City Chiefs 28
You have to take the best odds here.
I FINALLY DID IT! IN ALL THESE SEASONS, I HAVE YET TO GET BOTH TEAMS CORRECT, BUT THAT ENDS!
Sure, I didn’t get the score of 49-31 right, but that’s some pretty close prediction, if you ask me. I don’t think I can do any better than that.
This season might have been my best prediction article (and again, ignore the fact I missed the DPOY, which I get wrong 90% of the time anyway). You know what that means? This next season’s predictions are going to be so wrong. So, so wrong. Like putting pickles in ice cream wrong. Like taking a ride on Epstein’s jet wrong. Like JP saying “This next season is the year!” wrong.
Let’s get wrong together, friends.
A Little Help From the Chat?
Thanks for the material Longville.
This won’t happen.
Field is 1/1 in this article so far.
NEEEEEEXT.
Bippity-Boppity-Boop
The Los Angeles Rams have been the Cinderella story thus far through this season, amassing a 3-3 start, including impressive wins over the Chiefs and Chargers, and remaining competitive in two of the others.
However, I am not in on this fairy tale story. While it is a huge step up for Baker from where he was when he joined the league, I don’t think it is sustainable. He does have what I would consider a lot of winnable games on the schedule (Saints, Seahawks, Cowboys, Broncos, and Cardinals?), I think he caps out at about 6 wins max. Sure, this is a big step up, and hopefully he can keep the momentum going season by season, but I don’t think it is his time yet.
Boston Cream Pie
Did I just include Cream Pie into my header, not only because it fits with Boston and where the Patriots are theoretically located, but also because it’s Kevin coaching the team and he would insist on having a sexually themed header? Absolutely.
So let’s talk about these Patriots. Who would have guessed they’d start the season 4-2? Put your hands down, you liars. Like Baker, it has been nice seeing teams take a step up who normally haven’t been showing signs of success, but also similarly, I think he is about to hit rough waters ahead. My prediction here? He finishes out the season going 2-9. Hope you have a protection on, Kevin. I MEAN A LIFE VEST FOR THE ROUGH WATERS AHEAD. THAT’S ABSOLUTELY ALL I MEANT.
Sleeping Giant
Not the hottest of takes, but I think VC and the Giants come out strong this season, and really push to become a leader in the NFC. I think he goes at least 14-3 this season, which in the NFC doesn’t mean much :cryface:. I would say he has the best defensive weapons in the league, and as long as Dexter Lawrence stays upright, he’s wrecking the game. This is your notice, Red Zone.
RZ2K
I hope this article doesn’t get banned by Gort for that header. I think this is the season we see a player get 2,000 yards SOLELY on the ground or SOLELY through the air. DeAngelo Harvin might be the guy (if BM can keep his hands on the wheel and control himself in the process), Rashee Rice has a shot, and you can’t count out a handful of other guys who are a big game away from shooting to the top of the list. I don’t think it will be a running back getting that many rushing yards, but you never know.
Season 86 Offensive Rookie of the Year: QB Cody Jackson, NYG
I think at the end of the day, it will become a two-player race between Jackson and Vikings QB Malik Hancock, but I trust the Giants passing the ball a tad more, and I like his schedule more. There will be a couple of offensive weapons who get nominated, but QBs trump any skill position players, when used properly.
Season 86 Defensive Rookie of the Year: LB Derek Thomas, KC
I am sure I will get this wrong. Does Doni have any rookie pass rushers that are gonna come in out of nowhere and get 15 sacks and steal the award?
Season 86 Offensive Player of the Year: WR Rashee Rice, KC
[Trying to avoid picking a QB here] I think he and DeAngelo Harvin both have good cases, but the voters will feel better giving Rice the votes because Adel just “does it the right way”. Right? White? I can’t remember the exact verbiage they use, but it’s something like that.
Season 86 Defensive Player of the Year: S Minkah Fitzpatrick, KC
At least he’s making the playoffs this time he’s earning the award. Sure, Jaelan Phillips has 11 sacks thus far, but it feels slimy giving that to him when he’s skirting SubDT rules to pass rush from inside.
Season 86 Most Valuable Player: QB Tua Tagovailoa, TEN
I wanted to lean towards guys like Mahomes, Lance, or even a sneaky picks in Rashee Rice and Theo Pendleton, but I look at the start for Tua, and even though he hasn’t been asked to do much thus far, he has been very, very successful with it. Throw in the opinion that what I consider the AFC the weaker conference, he should be able to continue the success, and has debatably one of if not the best WR groups in the league to throw to.
It has been refreshing the past few season often seeing MVP and OPOY going to different guys, and I hope that’s the case.
Season 86 Super Bowl Prediction: New York Giants 31, Jacksonville Jaguars 24
(Pssst… Field. You picked the two top teams last season and you finally got it right. What the hell are you doing???)
New year, new Field.