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Drinking the Yaterade - Season 82 Predictions

by AST1N | 2 years ago | 0 Comments

 

Team Titan, Go!

The surprise of the season thus far has to be Kevin and the Tennessee Titans, as they current sit at 7-0 on the season. If you are like me, you haven’t paid attention to anything they are doing thus far, so my first inclination is always “let’s look at the schedule” and I was shook. This is how the first 11 weeks look:

  1. Dolphins 1-6
  2. Chiefs 2-5
  3. Rams 0-6
  4. Texans 3-3
  5. Jaguars 1-6
  6. Browns 4-3 (also, it’s Andy)
  7. Jaguars 1-6 (still)
  8. Buccaneers 1-6
  9. Ravens 4-2 (FINALLY)
  10. Panthers 1-5 (aaaand we’re back)
  11. BYE (they’ve had a few at this point)

The remainder of the season is packed with a bunch of .500 teams and a loss to Terry in Week 16. It’s very likely that Kevin will not only make the playoffs, but will have a strong chance to win the division as well, depending on how things go with the 4-3 Colts and their two matchups. That’s not the prediction. The prediction is the Titans are 1 and done in the playoffs. See ya!

After the article came out, Kfox (Re: Kelly – The older one) was quick to PM me a picture of a dude flipping me the bird, to which I responded “I hope you prove me wrong”. And he did. And I will take all the credit in lighting the fire under his ass. I’m playing chess, not checkers.

Feast in the East

In season 80, the NFC East was a shit show. (I wanted to play a twist on words calling them the Famine in the ____, and the first word that came to mind was ‘salmon’, and I gave up once that popped in my brain.) Anywho, Tiko is gone and so are many bad vibes he brought along with him. Ram remembered how to play football, WG got an upgrade at QB for free, Astin is Astin, and well… the Cowboys have a good roster? That being said, I think the East sends at least 3 teams to the playoffs this season, and should be a fun one to watch the remainder of the cycle.

Table Description automatically generated with medium confidence

Man, I am good at this game.

Yuck

That’s my title. That’s all I can think when I look at the standings for the AFC East, NFC West, and NFC South. The leaders of each of those respected divisions is 3-3, 4-3, and 3-2. All three divisions have the bottom two teams with 1 win or less. So who’s the worst? For this, I will have to add up all the wins in each one to get the total wins. Lowest wins = worst division. Right now its 8-8-7, but I will pick the NFC SOUTH to finish with the lowest win total. AFC East is tempting, but I think they can bounce back.

AFC East: 32-36

NFC South: 28-40

NFC West: 22-46

I can’t believe I didn’t predict the 2-8 Panthers to win 7 in a row!

Back on top

No, we aren’t talking about champions, but the draft! Who will get the pick of the litter when draft time comes?

  1. Carolina Panthers
  2. Jacksonville Jaguars
  3. Kansas City Chiefs

The Panthers are putrid on offense, and I think TOFN will decide to pack it up with Darnold and prepare for a new QB.

I can’t believe I didn’t predict the 2-8 Panthers to win 7 in a row! Can I still get credit if they still gave up on Darnold and moved into the top 3 of the draft??

Season 81 Offensive Rookie of the Year – QB Emmett Edwards, Detroit Lions

Let me just say, there are going to be some tough decisions to make. I think EE will garnish some personal tie-breaker votes based on how loveable JP is. I mean, would you rather see JP or Monty have a guy win it, if it’s close? HB Raheem Jackson is already making a strong case in Philly, the Colts are saying “Johnathan who?” with their replacement in HB Luke Hensen, WR Zach Dawson should change his name to Zach Dawgson, because he’s tearing things up in Baltimore, and lastly Monty is feeding his fast rookie WR who will become WR4 on his team in Season 82.

I think my biggest question with all of this was… why wasn’t he on the ballot??? Is it because JP’s constant “Kelly hates me” comments are actually true? Raheem Jackson and Luke Hensen both had stellar years, but I still think Edwards should have been in the conversation.

Season 81 Defensive Rookie of the Year – LB Carl Smith, Atlanta Falcons

Look, waiting until Week 7 has its benefits when making a prediction article, because I can look at stats and cheat. No one really stands out right now. Plus, this guy has the most white bread sounding, boring ass personality name. Carl Smith? That’s the best your parents could think of? Did they have high aspirations of you becoming an accountant at H&R Block? Anyway, Smith was a 6th round pick out of Washington who has amassed 22 solo tackles, 4 sacks, 1 FF, and 2 INT. I guess he’s winning. If he keeps it up, he can account on bringing this award home.

Hey look at me! And look at ol’ Carlton go!

Season 81 Offensive Player of the Year – HB Dalvin Cook, Atlanta Falcons

Hey, Jake wins another. Historically, I’d say many believe that Jake has always been a little looser on his sticks that most, and then someone decided to trade him a guy who has 96 AGI and 96 COD. This man is going to ping-pong his way to the rushing title. /jab

In 5 of his first 9 games in Atlanta, Cook ran for over 100 yards, and had 9 rushing TDs.

In his last 8 games, he had zero 100+ yard games and 1 rushing TD.

Did teams catch on to Jake’s offense? Did Jake change things up? Or did the Jake complex unwind his season?

Season 81 Defensive Player of the Year – CB JC Jackson, Los Angeles Chargers

His abilities are too good. You are a mad man if you throw it anywhere near him. Minkah is having a strong start to the season in Pittsburgh, but I don’t foresee the Steelers making the playoffs to warrant enough votes to say he was that strong, nor will he get 4 more INTs from Glenn alone.

Shame on me for thinking 12 INTs would win you an award. He didn’t even place with it.

Season 81 Most Valuable Player – QB Joe Burrow, Cincinnati Bengals

C’mon. This is too easy.

Too easy, confirmed.

Season 81 Super Bowl

 

Cincinnati Bengals 31, Philadelphia Eagles 23

Did I just pick both current 1 seeds? Did I just pick the two highest rated OVR teams? Yes and yes. Ratings matter!

So close! I am not sure what happened to Spittah in the AFC Championship, but this matchup would have been a more competitive game if he had won, and I would probably still pick him to win if my predicted teams had come through. One day I will get it!

 

Now on to next season, and holy shit we are at 1536 total words thus far before a prediction is even made for Season 82.

Perfectly Imbalanced, As All Things Shouldn’t Be

I am talking AFC vs. NFC. Right now there is a very large shift in balance of good teams on one side of the conferences. And that shift is strongly NFC. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me to see MULTIPLE double digit win teams not make the playoffs, while the AFC allows a 9-8 team to sneak into the playoffs. You. Hate. To. See. It.

I'll Take You To The Candy Shop

Last season, Glenn teased us with his 50 Cent throwback and finished the season with a total of 49 INTs between his two QBs (Kyler 39, Wentz 10). I think he finally does it this year. Currently at 16 through 6 games (Kyler 13, Robertson 3), he’s only on pace for 45 on the season, but I believe in Glenn. [Fun fact: A single QB can only legally throw for 51 INTs in a 17 game season]

Panic Time?

Of course we are talking Bengals football! A fresh loss against Eikim and the Steelers and a robbery against BP and the Chiefs, the Bengals still find themselves sitting at 5-1 on the young season. Are those two games alarming? Yes. However, back to our first topic of this season, the AFC is fairly weak and I only see the Jets and Ravens giving him a run for his money. He’s going to have to rely on his air attack to win him his games this season, so if a team can stop that (I know, tough ask) then I can see his downfall.  They are currently 26th in rushing, after trading away Joe Mixon.

Incoming Prayer Sigil

With it being nearly April, finding a replacement owner for the Seahawks might be difficult. And if that is the case, the Seahawks are going to end up owning the #1 pick in the draft, and they will take that stud QB, and many feelings will be hurt that they envisioned that guy playing on their own team, just to realize that there is no way to move up and get him, and the CPU will ruin him.

Season 82 Offensive Rookie of the Year – QB Joshua Brackett, Minnesota Vikings

What a fun year! We saw 6 QBs taken in the first 36 picks, when only 3, maybe 4, should have been. Scarborough is having a nice start to the year, and Cardinals early 1st pick TE Desmond Irving is chowing down like Tauph with a freshly opened packed of Double Stuffs, but Brackett should come alive in the second half of the season when Justin Jefferson rejoins the team.

Season 82 Defensive Rookie of the Year – LB Nolan Webber, Atlanta Falcons

There is absolutely no way that the Falcons win back-to-back DROY awards with LBs, right?

Season 82 Offensive Player of the Year – WR Tee Higgins, Cincinnati Bengals

That’s not Ja’Marr Chase! An early season injury to Chase has opened the door for Higgins to shine, and after starting the season with 9 TDs, I wouldn’t be shocked to see him finish with over 1,500 yards and 18 TDs.

Season 82 Most Valuable Player runner-up – QB Jalen Hurts, Philadelphia Eagles

Winner is too easy, so let’s make it more fun. Hurts quietly sits at 13:4 TD/INT and is 3rd in the league in pass yards, after having the Eagles gave him part ownership in the team with his new contract. Time for him to earn it!

Season 82 Super Bowl Prediction

New York Jets 31, why am I doing this what is wrong with me Green Bay Packers 20

The drought is over, and for a big change, the league collectively roots for Moji to win.