Drinking the Yaterade - Season 81 Predictions
by AST1N | 2 years ago | 0 Comments
I know, I know. It’s Week 7. Just be happy that I found some time to sit down and knock this out. You actually think this thing would die? What do you think this is, RZ Best Ball?
Let’s get straight to the year in review.
‘Tis A Scratch
Don’t look now. Well okay, go take a look. Moji and the Jets (no, not that “Bennie and the Jets” parody song involving Italian cuisine that young Jets fans are blowing up Tiktok with) are currently sitting at an uncomfortable 2-2 record, with questions about a secondary’s catching skills and a giant question of who is playing QB this week (hey look, sim Jets football!). The alarming part of all this is who those two losses are: Andy and Eikim. Now, no disrespect to those two and hats off to them for coming in and hand delivering some L’s to Moji hot and fresh out of the oven, but for a coach who just went like 43-3 in the regular season in LAC and losing to two guys who flirted with bottom 5 records every season during that span, many are wondering if it is time to panic. To answer that question: No. They will be fine. Even with a very good Bills team, I still will favor Moji over Spencer. I won’t bring up the Dolphins. And I don’t believe in Monty and the Patriots yet. While I don’t think the Jets will be the top dog in the AFC, I still think they end up winning the division and this upcoming offseason will help Moji build these guys into a much better team.
I mean, I should have seen the red flags with those two losses. It was right there! Moji sputtered to a 7-10 record, going 1-5 in the division. At 3-3 this season, he appears to be slowly righting the ship, but it will all come down to how well he gets Ridder going, which thus far has shown very hit or miss.
Top 5! Well Bottom 5… Tomato, Tomato
Let’s talk about the draft! Yes, that beautiful beast we finally got back. And let’s talk about who is the best teams are to getting those top 5 picks (not counting if anyone traded their picks like IDIOTS!).
- Miami Dolphins
- Chicago Bears
- Carolina Panthers
- Kansas City Chiefs
- Tennessee Titans
Honorable (or dishonorable) Mentions: Jaguars, Rams, Seahawks, Commanders
Silk needs to figure out how to make this offense run. It’s a travesty watching them right now. LV and the Bears are going to have their hands full with the NFC N and frankly has the worst roster of the bunch. If I were him, I would trade away one of my skill guys and find the same guy from somewhere else. The Panthers team is just not good, and Matt Corral is the face of “Not Good”. It’s a match made in heaven. BP and the Chiefs. I don’t even know what to say besides go ahead and trade Mahomes for the 28 draft picks that were offered for you and re-tool your team, because starting 0-4 with him is a waste of money. And lastly, welcome back Kevin. Maybe you are a bit rusty, but the struggle is real and the QB situation is a tough one to navigate.
Actual:
- Chiefs
- Panthers
- Steelers
- Dolphins
- Titans
I think I put too much stock into Eikim beating Moji early on in the season, and I highly undervalued the Seahawks (I may or may not have included “Busy Beech’s Baskeball Bonanza” as a factor in some of these projected losses). All in all, the bottom mostly identified themselves fairly early in the season.
Let’s Throw Some Darts
Today I challenge myself to pick 3 teams to make the playoffs that might be a surprise (pleasant or unpleasant, you decide).
- Arizona Cardinals – Glenn
- Cincinnati Bengals – Terry
- Denver Broncos – Roc
For the NFC, I have the Giants, Eagles, Niners, Vikings, Bucs, and Falcons making it. That leaves one spot, and watch out for Glenny.
Terry finds himself back with the Bengals and can still smell the fresh air from when he was last coaching there. And by fresh air I mean reminiscing of getting steam rolled in the Super Bowl a couple of times. And frankly, that’s a huge step up from where he’s been recently.
And Roc being in the playoffs might not seem weird, but taking that Broncos team there will be a feat no one else wanted to try.
- Cardinals finished 8-9, one game out of the playoffs. Not bad.
- Bengals had a decent season, if I recall.
- Roc and the Broncos finished 10-7 and made the playoffs.
We Need A Bigger Jar
The complaints about Y button / INTs being dropped will not cease. Buckle up.
Also, I threw this prediction in because I could use an easy win.
Just like every team who sees the Dolphins on their schedule.
Boom, roasted.
Well, this is awkward. You complain too much, you get handed the keys.
Season 80 Offensive Rookie of the Year –
John Metchie III, Houston Texans
This is actually going to be one of the most debated votes we have for OROY in a long time. So many candidates worthy of discussion: Can one of the like 7 rookie QBs get it? (Doubt) Breece Hall, Rachaad White, Ken Walker, Pacheco, Pierce…. The HBs are loaded. And then there are like 10 WRs who are going to be near the top of their teams receiving yards. Go ahead and flip a coin for the winner. Better yet, just get like a 32 sided dice and roll that.
Metchie started the season with 3 of his first 5 games going for 8+ catches and 100+ yards. He then came back down to earth, only doing it twice again after that. It’s okay though. The winner of the award now is in charge of running water bottles out to the offense during timeouts. #CheeseForXPs
Season 80 Defensive Rookie of the Year-
Kayvon Thibodeaux, New York Giants
I really hope he doesn’t try to become a household name in my articles, because typing out his last name correctly off the top of my head is painful. Thibs currently has 7 sacks in the first 3 games and if that rate continues, this won’t be a fair contest. Kyle Hamilton has 4 INTs in Baltimore in 4 games, so another name to watch, as well as a couple of DBs starting for the Vikings playing in a turnover-prone division could make names for themselves.
Hamilton only finished with 6 INTs on the year, so he fell back in the race. But hey, I got one!
Season 80 Offensive Player of the Year –
Dalvin Cook, Minnesota Vikings
For this award, I am going to shy away from any QBs, unless they do more than throw the ball (such as scrambling QBs). With that in mind, I don’t see this being close. Adel has already proven to us that this is where his team will go, ride or die. And you can’t blame him. Even with his two stud WRs and great TE, how much do you trust Kirk Cousins? He’s gotta go with the safe hands.
Had Cook stayed healthy all season, the race should have been closer. Instead, Cook finishes as a runner up.
Season 80 Defensive Player of the Year –
Nick Bosa, San Francisco 49ers
I give Bosa the nod over other players because I just think hes going to end up torturing his division mates. The only thing to hold him back from outrageous sack numbers might be his teammates getting to the QB first. Bosa already has 6 sacks and 3 FFs in 4 games. Game wrecker.
Oh, I must have gotten confused that this article was about the NFL, not RZ. That’s my bad.
Season 80 Most Valuable Player –
Thomas Patrick Edward Brady Jr., Tampa Bay Buccaneers
And no one was happy this day.
Yes, I am happy to have Jim instead of PieGuy. BUT… if 1) PieGuy doesn’t get TB12 suspended for being such a lame ass and 2) doesn’t quit, Brady was our MVP up to that point.
Season 80 Super Bowl –
Minnesota Vikings 27, Denver Broncos 13
And no one was happy this day.
Hey, I was correct! Nailed it!
I WAS NOT HAPPY THIS DAY.
Alright, that’s a wrap for Season 80. Let’s go ahead and throw out some predictions for Season 81 without putting any thought into it before hand.
Team Titan, Go!
The surprise of the season thus far has to be Kevin and the Tennessee Titans, as they current sit at 7-0 on the season. If you are like me, you haven’t paid attention to anything they are doing thus far, so my first inclination is always “let’s look at the schedule” and I was shook. This is how the first 11 weeks look:
- Dolphins 1-6
- Chiefs 2-5
- Rams 0-6
- Texans 3-3
- Jaguars 1-6
- Browns 4-3 (also, it’s Andy)
- Jaguars 1-6 (still)
- Buccaneers 1-6
- Ravens 4-2 (FINALLY)
- Panthers 1-5 (aaaand we’re back)
- BYE (they’ve had a few at this point)
The remainder of the season is packed with a bunch of .500 teams and a loss to Terry in Week 16. It’s very likely that Kevin will not only make the playoffs, but will have a strong chance to win the division as well, depending on how things go with the 4-3 Colts and their two matchups. That’s not the prediction. The prediction is the Titans are 1 and done in the playoffs. See ya!
Feast in the East
In season 80, the NFC East was a shit show. (I wanted to play a twist on words calling them the Famine in the ____, and the first word that came to mind was ‘salmon’, and I gave up once that popped in my brain.) Anywho, Tiko is gone and so are many bad vibes he brought along with him. Ram remembered how to play football, WG got an upgrade at QB for free, Astin is Astin, and well… the Cowboys have a good roster? That being said, I think the East sends at least 3 teams to the playoffs this season, and should be a fun one to watch the remainder of the cycle.
Yuck
That’s my title. That’s all I can think when I look at the standings for the AFC East, NFC West, and NFC South. The leaders of each of those respected divisions is 3-3, 4-3, and 3-2. All three divisions have the bottom two teams with 1 win or less. So who’s the worst? For this, I will have to add up all the wins in each one to get the total wins. Lowest wins = worst division. Right now its 8-8-7, but I will pick the NFC SOUTH to finish with the lowest win total. AFC East is tempting, but I think they can bounce back.
Back on top
No, we aren’t talking about champions, but the draft! Who will get the pick of the litter when draft time comes?
- Carolina Panthers
- Jacksonville Jaguars
- Kansas City Chiefs
The Panthers are putrid on offense, and I think TOFN will decide to pack it up with Darnold and prepare for a new QB.
Season 81 Offensive Rookie of the Year – QB Emmett Edwards, Detroit Lions
Let me just say, there are going to be some tough decisions to make. I think EE will garnish some personal tie-breaker votes based on how loveable JP is. I mean, would you rather see JP or Monty have a guy win it, if it’s close? HB Raheem Jackson is already making a strong case in Philly, the Colts are saying “Johnathan who?” with their replacement in HB Luke Hensen, WR Zach Dawson should change his name to Zach Dawgson, because he’s tearing things up in Baltimore, and lastly Monty is feeding his fast rookie WR who will become WR4 on his team in Season 82.
Season 81 Defensive Rookie of the Year – LB Carl Smith, Atlanta Falcons
Look, waiting until Week 7 has its benefits when making a prediction article, because I can look at stats and cheat. No one really stands out right now. Plus, this guy has the most white bread sounding, boring ass personality name. Carl Smith? That’s the best your parents could think of? Did they have high aspirations of you becoming an accountant at H&R Block? Anyway, Smith was a 6th round pick out of Washington who has amassed 22 solo tackles, 4 sacks, 1 FF, and 2 INT. I guess he’s winning. If he keeps it up, he can account on bringing this award home.
Season 81 Offensive Player of the Year – HB Dalvin Cook, Atlanta Falcons
Hey, Jake wins another. Historically, I’d say many believe that Jake has always been a little looser on his sticks that most, and then someone decided to trade him a guy who has 96 AGI and 96 COD. This man is going to ping-pong his way to the rushing title. /jab
Season 81 Defensive Player of the Year – CB JC Jackson, Los Angeles Chargers
His abilities are too good. You are a mad man if you throw it anywhere near him. Minkah is having a strong start to the season in Pittsburgh, but I don’t foresee the Steelers making the playoffs to warrant enough votes to say he was that strong, nor will he get 4 more INTs from Glenn alone.
Season 81 Most Valuable Player – QB Joe Burrow, Cincinnati Bengals
C’mon. This is too easy.
Season 81 Super Bowl
Cincinnati Bengals 31, Philadelphia Eagles 23
Did I just pick both current 1 seeds? Did I just pick the two highest rated OVR teams? Yes and yes. Ratings matter!