Drinking the Yaterade - Season 69 (Nice) Predictions
by AST1N | 4 years ago | 0 Comments
Season 69 (Nice!) Predictions
We did it boys! The coveted 69th Red Zone Super Bowl trophy is ripe for the taking. This is the Super Bowl of all other Super Bowls. Pat or Beech might flaunt their one they have (just kidding, Beech would actually have to be around to do that), but if you only have one trophy and it’s #69, you trump theirs every day. I would love to see this go to a new owner and I hope that I am wrong with my prediction (foreshadowing!). Don’t blow this opportunity. Give it all you have. I mean, if you miss out, you have to wait until we get to RZ 420 to get another chance, and I don’t think we get there.
Alright, before we stick each other’s faces in our crotches for Season 69, let’s go back and check the old takes:
The Ghost of Ricky Chapstick
Ricky is out. Coach Monty is in. While I have yet to watch 1 minute under this new regimen, I am a believer based on the stats alone. The passing game on offense is looking very good, and the pass defense is also playing well (forced 7 INTs in the Week 3 victory over the Browns). I would like to see more production from Jonathan Taylor (feed that man!), and the defense needs to step up and focus on stopping the run (31st in rush defense with 136 yards per game on the ground given up). If he can figure that out, there may be a chance he flirts with a playoff bid. Will he win? I doubt it… the stench of Ricky is still in the hallways… and one small whiff will instantly cause a collapse.
The Colts ended up finishing 7-9 on the season. Ricky is probably smiling, knowing he has permanently left his mark on this franchise.
Upside Down
The Texans are 3-0. The Titans are 0-3. The Texans beat the Titans in Week 3. Those are the facts we know.
I also predict that the Titans finish with a better record when we look back at this scenario next month. The Titans opened up with PIT, NYJ, and HOU. Not a fun way to spend your September.
If you see a typically stable stock take a dip, one common phrase you hear in the game is “Buy the dip!”
I bought the dip.
Unfortunately, the dip kept dipping.
At this point, Dogecoin has more value than my RZ68 Titans stock.
#DiamondHands
South on top
No, no, no. I will not make a third topic on the AFC South. Let’s flip the conference. The NFC South will look so good this season that people will speculate “Have all these teams improved this much?!” Slow down. The South matched up with the AFC North and NFC North for their non-conference games. That is a recipe for deceptive records if I have ever seen it.
Hmmm. When you know, you know. All 4 teams finished .500 or better, and almost sent 3 teams to the playoffs. Those Falcons are frauds!
Locked at the top
If you tell me to pick the top 5 drafting at the end of the season, here is my way too early guess at the draft order:
- Seattle
- Cleveland
- New England
- Green Bay
- Buffalo
Buffalo? Sorry JP. As soon as I saw Minnesota beat him while Eikim’s QBs went 6 of 14 passing for 158 yards and 3 INTs, I already sold my stock.
Actual draft order:
JP was on AP for 5 games last season, so I am not going to take too much of a hit for the Bills drafting at 13 instead of 5. However, there were a lot more winnable games on that schedule that I overlooked.
Awards
Season 68 Offensive Rookie of the Year – HB Dwight Miller, ARI
It’s a two man race between Miller and Crockett (LAC), and anyone else on the ballot is a waste of space. In the end, I prefer the Cardinals offense and their ability to feed Miller just a tad more. In Arizona, it’s always Miller time.
It was a two man race. Let’s compare the stats of both players:
The only thing Player B has going for them is their TDs. However, Player B also had a season long rushing violation of over 75% of the teams rushing TDs.
Player A should have won OROY by a large margin.
Player A is Miller. Player B is Crockett.
Redzone voters got it wrong again.
Season 68 Defensive Rookie of the Year – SS Cardarious Parson, ATL
I mentioned the NFC South schedule, and Parson should have plenty of opportunity to intercept a ton of balls. We like to vote on tackles/sacks for these awards, but this time it could come down to INTs.
The Falcons finished the season with 44(!) interceptions as a team in the regular season.
Parson had 2. The opportunity was absolutely there, but his teammates were greedy and took them all for themselves. What a toxic environment.
Season 68 Offensive Player of the Year – WR Rich Walker, ATL
Sorry to fill this out with Atlanta players (I am not done), but the Falcons might have the easiest schedule in the league. The only thing that will hold Walker back is if the team gets too far ahead and they just run the ball in the 2nd half of games.
I hate to say that I was right… just kidding, I don’t. When I nail something so right, it makes me pull out my gun fingers/finger guns and start blasting away in my office.
My coworkers give me weird looks every time it happens. I am pretty sure they are just jealous.
Season 68 Defensive Player of the Year – DE Will Tuner, NYJ
I don’t know if you know this, but Turner is very good. Also, if you didn’t know this, you live under a rock and you smell musty. Go outside and get some air. Turner finished with 22 sacks last season, and I don’t see how he doesn’t finish under 20 again this year.
Heaven forbid that I don’t predict that Coach Mojica’s identity gets stolen in the middle of the season, which in turn slightly lowers Turner’s sack rate at the end of the year. Would he have won? Probably not. Turner finished with 16 sacks, while the second place finisher in the voting was Lawson with 19. Tuner should have at least been in the conversation.
Season 68 Most Valuable Player – QB D.J. Carter, ATL
His INT numbers will always be high, but that’s the life you choose when you have a vertical passing scheme like Atlanta. Right now, Kamryn Killings has the cycle record for most passing yards in a season with 4,691 back in 2025. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Carter surpass that this season. If you can overlook the INTs, the yards and TDs should elevate him to the top of the MVP voting.
Had Carter not have to sit for 2 games thanks to a rushing violation (and he gets the same stats that backup QB Robbins got), here would be Carter’s stats on the season:
295 / 429 (68.7%), 4,193 yards, 44 TDs, 18 INTs, 116 Rating
Even with missing those games, Carter finished 2nd in the MVP voting. Had he played all 16, he would have won by a landslide.
Season 68 Super Bowl Prediction – New York Jets 30, San Francisco 49ers 21
Jets found a way to improve their team with Jamal Adams. Thanks Kfox.
I am going to just say that the Jets playoff loss was just rust from missing all those late season games, and I know Coach Parian has been super busy lately that he is just doing his best he can.
On to the predictions! Wine, Dine, & 69!
All in on the Ram Fam
No. This isn’t about Ramesu or Roc. I am talking about the Los Angeles Rams, or what I like to call Sam’s Rams around here. Thanks to one owner’s poor contract management, the Rams found a top 5 QB falling right into their laps. Pair this with acquiring Courtland Sutton in the offseason and a roster already filled with star players, this team will be tough for anyone. While the roster isn’t perfect (a weak OL and holes at LB), I can count at least 9 very winnable games, and that doesn’t count any potential upsets. I think this might be the season we see Jim in the playoffs. If you are a fringe playoff team, I would keep my eyes on this team.
Bolt to the top
Coach Johns and the Los Angeles Chargers are on the verge of something big. Their team has steadily improved season by season, and they have a very manageable schedule. Outside of potential divisional losses, I feel that the Chargers could very easily pull away with the division title and flirt with the 1 seed in the AFC. The only thing that I see halting them is if he goes on AP twice against the Raiders and he loses those games.
Move along, nothing to see here
Falcons will win the NFC 1 seed. They have emerged as the team to beat in the conference after seeing early cycle struggles (insert Kelly’s archived screenshots of “What happened to Kelly? I knew he would struggle….”). Nothing on that schedule or anyone else in the NFC really poses as a threat to me at this point. The Cardinals, Bucs, and Eagles will all continue to stand out in the top heavy NFC, but I don’t see any reason the Falcons should put last year’s success on repeat this year.
RedZone teams are who we thought they are.
As I review all the teams, I don’t see any shocking developments. The Bengals and Saints will regress to the mean, I could see the Titans and Texans going back and forth for the division, and the NFC North will be another shootout. I don’t see any of the new guys making a run this cycle (something that rarely happens with new ownership). In the end of the day, we will probably see the same teams in the playoffs or fighting for those Wild Card spots. As much as we fight for parity, we also have to fight with consistency.
Season 69 (Nice) Offensive Rookie of the Year – HB Marcell Knight, TEN
If someone is going to commit to a rookie, it’s Roc. I feel like it’s every other season we are seeing a rookie QB or HB lining up for the Flaming Thumbtacks. Sure, Spencer has a shiny new QB, but do I trust him? I don’t. There were also like 8 solid HBs in this draft taken in the first 2 rounds, so one of those could emerge as well.
Season 69 (Nice) Defensive Rookie of the Year – DE Theo McClain, HOU
The AFC South sweeps the rookie awards, and McClain was an absolute steal at pick 27. Metal has show to be able to get results from his pass rushers, and I don’t see how he won’t get it going with McClain either.
Season 69 (Nice) Offensive Player of the Year – WR Rich Walker, ATL
Generational talent, and he is going to eat week in and week out. Unless there is an injury or voter fatigue, this should be a lock.
Season 69 (Nice) Defensive Player of the Year – All Positions Isaiah Simmons, ARI
Blast from the past! A schedule that looks like turnover galore helps his stock here. Sure, TJ Watt has 6 sacks in 2 weeks, so that’s hard to overlook, but I think this is the season that Ramesu gets Simmons cooking like the old days.
Season 69 (Nice) Most Valuable Player – QB Carson Wentz, NYJ
How Moji got multiple 1st round picks and a better QB at the same time is just unfair. Take your stupid award.
Season 69 Super Bowl Prediction – New York Jets 34, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 13
The Jets traded away an average QB in the final year of his deal and got way too much back, added OL depth which is super hard, and upgraded his QB, WRs, and TE in FA. The offense is going to overwhelm most teams.