Drinking the Yaterade - Season 68 Predictions
by AST1N | 4 years ago | 0 Comments
Root for Moji. Root for Adel. That was your choice for the Super Bowl. Could life get any more miserable? (Answer is yes; at least it wasn’t Pat again). For as much as we always exclaim “PARITY!”, I wish we saw it more. Season 66 was refreshing, as we were able to see KJ’s first appearance vs. Kelly in his first appearance in like 30 seasons, but I feel as a whole we are much better when the Super Bowl isn’t full of the Astin/Moji/Adel/Lefty (and Ernest is encroaching on this territory too). Was watching Beech come out of nowhere with his one SB run exciting? Absolutely. Whether you like him or not, he was a prime example that any given season, if you get hot at the right time, you too can win it all. And honestly, I hope we see it more. If I get a prediction wrong, I want it to be wronged by a guy I overlooked. One that I wrote off. I am rooting for the small guy. If that is you, I believe in you. Take that next step.
Alright, time for the predictions…. After we recap last season and I give myself credit for all the awards being right, since it’s Week 4 and still no award show in sight.
Liar, Liar. Pants on fire.
I was told this offseason that this team would have a “new offensive scheme will be unveiled”. This team is also 0-2 already and has a bottom 5 offense thus far. As many of you know, this would be the Miami Dolphins. And frankly, I am not buying the hype. If by new scheme you mean one that tries to feed former Steeler Bo Pettis and one that just doesn’t get him going, then yes, you have done it!
Now do I think they stay this bad? Absolutely not. I also don’t buy into this new game plan working long term. You can never escape the LAP. It’s a lifestyle, not a choice. I think the Dolphins will eventually improve their ranks once they get going, but I don’t see anything changing to the point where Moji and JP aren’t finishing 1 and 2 in the division.
The Dolphins finished the season at 7-9 and ended up with a bottom 10 offense on the season. While I may have overestimated JP finishing 2nd in the division, this offense struggled to get anything going on the year. However, the Dolphins shipped away P-Dub in the offseason, and now are currently 5th in total yards thus far through this season. Was this move one to force yourself away from the LAP? Is the offense finally getting it together? Or is this just a mirage from playing two NFC North teams in the first 3 weeks. Only time will tell us the truth.
The Dirty South
Dare I say anything about Jake without sending him into a tailspin? Sure, why not! I think this season is going to be super fun to watch the AFC South battle it out. They legit could have any of the 4 teams win, or any of the 4 teams finish in last place. Metal is off to a surprise 2-0 start, but all 4 guys are 0.500 or better already. If you are going to press me to pick the order they finish, I am going to go Jags, Colts, Texans, Titans, in that order, but I don’t see anyone with less than 6 wins.
Oh boy, where do I go with this. I mean, I did say they could have any of the 4 teams at the top or the bottom, then went on to predict the exact opposite order of how they would finish out.
Fun fact: the Texans finished the season 10-6 and the Jags finished 5-11.
Scoring differential: Texans: -17, Jaguars: -13
I am Hard for the Cards
Yes, that’s a sexual innuendo. This season the Cards are going to run away with the NFC’s top seed, going what I predict will be 14-2 on the year. The schedule isn’t too bad and the team remains intact. If you forced me to pick to pick the losses, it would be the 49ers in Week 10 and the Jaguars in Week 13. Sure, there are others that could do it, but I am paid to make predictions, not make vague overviews of the 6 guys who could give them a tough game.
Well, they did get the 1 seed, but I will be honest that I didn’t predict the Rams, Texans, and CPU Colts would be 3 of the losses. (But I did nail the Week 10 loss vs. SF… small victories)
The West is the Best (at flip flopping)
Last season, we saw the AFC W send 3 teams to the playoffs, and was ---| |--- this close to sending a 4th. I hope you enjoyed it football fans, because that dream is over. Let’s take a look a things. The Chiefs lost CEH to free agency (Why in the hell didn’t they try to trade him last season??), and then traded away the top security blanket in the league in Travis Kelce. Sure, they drafted a hidden dev guy in the 6th round, but that man is still raw and is far from what Spittah is used to. Remember when Hat Trick Mahomes was a big thing a few seasons ago? I have a sinking feeling that we may see more flashes of that after losing two huge weapons. Now on to the Raiders. Average OL, and outside of Ruggs/Jacobs, no one is scared of the weapons. Waller is regressing, and this defense flat out stinks. They may have the worst LB group in the league (don’t fact check me, I am not doing my homework!).
However, I feel this is the year the Chargers take a run at 2nd place in the division. With the Raiders and Chiefs going to hit the decline, the time to act is now. 10-6 LAC. Heard it here first.
Raiders did indeed stink their way into a top 5 pick, and LAC was just one win away from hitting 10-6 (all he had to do was beat Beech in Week 12!) I definitely underestimated KC and how they would respond to losing two big offensive weapons, when in fact their defense might be the bigger strength for the team. Can’t predict them all!
From worst to… worst?
Last season, the Patriots finished with the 1st pick in the draft, selecting MLB Dell Guy. Let me tell you something: they were not one Guy roaming the middle of the field away from turning this sinking ship around. In fact, in a few seasons, he may just be some Guy that you don’t even remember the name. Trading away Gilmore was cool because you got some value for a guy who is getting old, but it was also the biggest piece to any success they were having. And his value will never be replaced. The CBs right now are “Meh”, and there is no depth behind the starting 2. To top it all off, Glenn drafted a QB with that Gilmore pick, just a few seasons after selling the farm to acquire Wentz. If you were struggling with Wentz, drafting a guy to replace him is an odd way to go.
In other news, my colleagues have reminded me that the QB2 position in NE is actually a nice place to land, as you will play in, what they tell me, is at least 10 games a year.
Regardless, I don’t see this team getting any better than they were a year ago, and the slums is where they stay. Lock me in with another top 3 pick.
As I went to recap this prediction at the end of the year, I was so confident in my Dell Guy is overrated and just a guy take that I smugly opened up the stat sheet to see how poorly he played. And let me tell you… I was so wrong. Dell Guy WAS the Patriots defense. 80 solo tackles. You wanna know how much the next guy had?? 49 (which strangely was a CB). That’s right, he nearly had twice as many solo tackles. That’s absurd.
But hey, that still got them the #1 pick in the draft this past offseason. Guy made the defense better… but it wasn’t enough.
Awards Time!
Season 67 Offensive Rookie of the Year – QB Grant Hankins, PHI
Yes, I am aware he has struggled early on. Guess what, Mr. Knowitall? I also know that he’s a rookie and in a system that knows how to develop QBs. Hankins is far and away better than Jalen Hurts was ever going to be, so kudos to Adel for giving up on the project. Once Hankins and Adel start getting accustomed to each other, he will run away with it.
Grant Hankins only played half the season before getting benched in favor of Hurts. While the passing stats were fairly similar, it looks like Hankins preferred to throw INTs while Hurts would rather take a sack. TEN QB Marquel Elliot should run away with this award.
Can we just call him Marquelliot? PLEASE!
Season 67 Defensive Rookie of the Year – FS Eric Mullins, IND
Let me remind you, defensive awards are hard. That’s why I am cheating and picking the guy with 2 INTs in his first 2 games. Will he finish the year with like 34 tackles and 3 INTs on the season, making me look like an idiot? Most likely.
Mullins didn’t even make the ballot… but he didn’t have a coach half the year. In my opinion, this award should go to Guy.
Season 67 Offensive Player of the Year – QB Kyler Murray, ARI
As I said earlier, the Cards are gonna be big this season, and you can always thank the leader for it.
Even after the season, I couldn’t tell you who is going to win. You can make a case for like 6 guys and not be wrong with your opinion. Kyler is on the ballot, so that’s a W for me.
Season 67 Isaiah Simmons Defensive Player of the Year – DT Chris Jones, PIT
Enter “User DL” conversation here.
Jones finished with 19 sacks and 6 FF, and I am sure his TFL numbers are top 10 in the league. Let’s talk about User DL now.
Season 67 Most Valuable Player – QB Kyler Murray, ARI
I refuse to say anything else.
[Editor note: I am not allowed to say anything else.]
That’s it! Those are the predictions! On a side note, let’s not pretend that Season 69 is not going to be the greatest season to brag about in a few months. “Oh, you won in Season 37? That’s nice. I won 69. *Drops mic*”
I forgot to make a Super Bowl prediction. Whoops. I will just say I predict Moji to destroy Adel. Man, I am a genius!
Season 68 Predictions
The Ghost of Ricky Chapstick
Ricky is out. Coach Monty is in. While I have yet to watch 1 minute under this new regimen, I am a believer based on the stats alone. The passing game on offense is looking very good, and the pass defense is also playing well (forced 7 INTs in the Week 3 victory over the Browns). I would like to see more production from Jonathan Taylor (feed that man!), and the defense needs to step up and focus on stopping the run (31st in rush defense with 136 yards per game on the ground given up). If he can figure that out, there may be a chance he flirts with a playoff bid. Will he win? I doubt it… the stench of Ricky is still in the hallways… and one small whiff will instantly cause a collapse.
Upside Down
The Texans are 3-0. The Titans are 0-3. The Texans beat the Titans in Week 3. Those are the facts we know.
I also predict that the Titans finish with a better record when we look back at this scenario next month. The Titans opened up with PIT, NYJ, and HOU. Not a fun way to spend your September.
South on top
No, no, no. I will not make a third topic on the AFC South. Let’s flip the conference. The NFC South will look so good this season that people will speculate “Have all these teams improved this much?!” Slow down. The South matched up with the AFC North and NFC North for their non-conference games. That is a recipe for deceptive records if I have ever seen it.
Locked at the top
If you tell me to pick the top 5 drafting at the end of the season, here is my way too early guess at the draft order:
- Seattle
- Cleveland
- New England
- Green Bay
- Buffalo
Buffalo? Sorry JP. As soon as I saw Minnesota beat him while Eikim’s QBs went 6 of 14 passing for 158 yards and 3 INTs, I already sold my stock.
Awards
Season 68 Offensive Rookie of the Year – HB Dwight Miller, ARI
It’s a two man race between Miller and Crockett (LAC), and anyone else on the ballot is a waste of space. In the end, I prefer the Cardinals offense and their ability to feed Miller just a tad more. In Arizona, it’s always Miller time.
Season 68 Defensive Rookie of the Year – SS Cardarious Parson, ATL
I mentioned the NFC South schedule, and Parson should have plenty of opportunity to intercept a ton of balls. We like to vote on tackles/sacks for these awards, but this time it could come down to INTs.
Season 68 Offensive Player of the Year – WR Rich Walker, ATL
Sorry to fill this out with Atlanta players (I am not done), but the Falcons might have the easiest schedule in the league. The only thing that will hold Walker back is if the team gets too far ahead and they just run the ball in the 2nd half of games.
Season 68 Defensive Player of the Year – DE Will Tuner, NYJ
I don’t know if you know this, but Turner is very good. Also, if you didn’t know this, you live under a rock and you smell musty. Go outside and get some air. Turner finished with 22 sacks last season, and I don’t see how he doesn’t finish under 20 again this year.
Season 68 Most Valuable Player – QB D.J. Carter, ATL
His INT numbers will always be high, but that’s the life you choose when you have a vertical passing scheme like Atlanta. Right now, Kamryn Killings has the cycle record for most passing yards in a season with 4,691 back in 2025. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Carter surpass that this season. If you can overlook the INTs, the yards and TDs should elevate him to the top of the MVP voting.
Season 68 Super Bowl Prediction – New York Jets 30, San Francisco 49ers 21
Jets found a way to improve their team with Jamal Adams. Thanks Kfox.