Drinking the Yaterade - Season 67 Predictions
by AST1N | 4 years ago | 0 Comments
**Editor’s note: I was waiting to drop this until the actual awards come out, but at this rate we might get those mid-season. This was written in Week 2, so take that into account when I am discussing things. Also, Hi, Adel. I am happy that you reading this opening paragraph gets you motivated to release the awards very soon and for you to say “Oh, these were coming out on Friday the whole time!” League, you can thank me later.**
Whew. Prepare yourselves. This recap was not a good one. After climbing the ranks on how many predictions I can nail every season, my value dropped harder than GME after the big boys start complaining and the market gets adjusted to keep the rich from taking any hits. (If that reference isn’t for you, then you need to go find a new analyst to read!)
You may come up to me and say “Hey dickwad! (first off, why are you calling me that??) What were you thinking?!” Here’s the secret, my weirdly-aggressive fan: I am making this up all on the fly. I just open up DaddyLeagues, stare at the list of 32 teams on the top of the screen, and say to myself “What kind of bold thing can I say about one of these guys. Sometimes I get lucky. Sometimes I am writing at 2am and just trying to not get fired from my publicist job. Whatever the outcome, this is the process. This is the way.
And there is nothing I will ever change about it.
Now to look back and then forget afterwards.
“What can I say, except you’re welcome!”
My daughter loves Moana so I get to have that movie playing at least 5-6 times a week. Sorry that I get to bring that part into here. That being said, this season will be less about #ThanksJim and more about #YoureWelcomeJim. This is his year to take his next step (remember what I said about steps in the opening paragraph). For Jim, that is a playoff birth and he may even flirt with a playoff win, if the matchup is right. We all love to marvel at the things some of the big names are doing with their teams, but Jim is quietly building a powerhouse lead by that front 4. If you want to stop them, I hope you have 8 OL in there to protect you.
Oh, look. Jim let me down, going 6-10. #ThanksJim
The loser of the Darnold to the Saints is….
The NFC South. Moji’s new shiny quarterback will be just fine (don’t look too much into that 3PS in Week 1), and Spencer needed some stability behind center. I don’t trust his WR group (no matter how much he says its fine) but Spencer also gets to play a 4th place schedule this year with an elite QB. Am I sold on Malik, Kelly, and Tauph dominating? Absolutely not. It has always been a 3 team race. And honestly, it will probably remain that way until Tauph leaves us. However, that doesn’t mean Spencer will not be a thorn in their side every game. I expect an improved Saints team and for him to give himself hope to become one of the guys in the division.
This should read “The loser of the Darnold to the Saints is…Me”. Saints finished at 5-11, which is probably just about as good as they would have done with literally any other QB. What a waste of assets and typing space in my article. Like my invisible friend Leonard always told me, “If you sprinkle some oregano and garlic on a pile of shit, it’s still going to taste like shit.” You can put talent in Spencer’s hands, but he will still find a way to underperform and let you down.
Let’s all join a Colt together!
For real. It will be fun. Other than that, Jake is going to rebound. He is winning the division. I feel a bit of regression between both the Titans and Jags coming on, which opens up the door for Jake to pounce. Sure, writing this into words and having Jake read it will send him in a complex that he is famous for, but isn’t the league more fun when that happens?
Should I count this as a win for sending him into a complex? I almost feel like saying that this prediction would lead him to the outcome I really wanted in the first place… and with two terrible predictions before, I am taking the win on this one to make myself feel better.
Anyone for a quick game of hacky sack?
This is the year. It’s going to happen, and not just one time. The age old discussion on if User DL is too OP is going to gain traction. We are partially done with Week 1 and the sack numbers are already too damn high! (insert toodamnhigh.gif) and I don’t see them dropping off too hard. We will probably have 6-7 guys flirting with 22+ sacks, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the top guy hits 30. The argument of “Madden 20 numbers der der der!” will come up, just for the anti-DL guys to say “Dis is uh sim lege!”
What will this accomplish? Nothing. But hey I was able to spit out a paragraph about where I see sack numbers being this season..
Thank you February 3, 2021. It was a bit late, but alas we discussed sack numbers and user DL. While Lawson almost got 30 (27 to be exact), the conversation had both guys saying their piece and we moved on from that. See you guys again next month at User-DL-Anonymous.
Season 66 Offensive Rookie of the Year – Greg Harris, QB – New York Jets
I actually think this is an easy pick. Yes, we saw one of the most dynamic QB drafts in a long time. But 4 of those guys go to teams without a history of success (even you Brett… I don’t even know what to call you except a nice guy who likes to have fun). Harris was taken to be in the best situation and will leave Jets fans asking “Sam who?”
This is the worst prediction article I have written. Ever. This should have been a sure fire pick… but here we are. Moji isn’t even convinced in year 2 that this is the guy to take him back to the SB. Even worse, I called out Weedseed and his QB, who was the best QB of the bunch. The ROTY honors should go to either Peek or Harris, if Adel ever releases the results.
Season 66 Defensive Rookie of the Year – Joshua Lawton, CB – Philadelphia Eagles
I got the gimme, now it’s the pick that I will miss by a mile. Looking at the class, there really aren’t many defensive players that scream THIS IS A BIG TIME PLAYER. Correa in Buffalo looks to be a rock solid player, but the jury will be out on if he will put up DROY stats from the safety position. Lawton is 6’0 and can fly, so once he improves his pass coverage skills he will be a stud.
Lawton didn’t have a bad year at all, finishing with 5 INTs. It is just hard for a CB to win this award, so that’s on me. Correa is actually probably going to finish top 3 in voting (if not winning), so at least I covered myself for name dropping him in here. But as I said, there weren't many defensive players screaming for attention before or after the season ended.
Season 66 Offensive Player of the Year – Lamar Jackson, QB – San Francisco 49ers
Let’s call this the redemption tour. Last season was not a fluke, and the longer Ernest has to work with Lamar, the more dangerous the duo become. I think we can all agree that the best case scenario for the league is that Ernest cannot negotiate a contract that Lamar likes, forcing Ernest to trade him in the 11th hour.
Well… Lamar took a $300M contract, so there’s that. Lamar had a VERY good year passing, with a QB rating over 110. Having Blaylock on the ballot only hurts his votes, but he is just as deserving of this award if he doesn’t actually walk away with it. Had the 49ers won the Super Bowl, I think he runs away with the award. And yes, I know that playoffs don’t count for these awards, but apparently the rest of the league doesn’t care. (I’m looking at you Rich Walker and Kelly GM/COTY voters!)
Season 66 Isaiah Simmons Defensive Player of the Year – Devin White, LB – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tauph with one year left? Let the cheese flow through his veins. What are you gonna do, kick him?
I looked at White’s stats and thought to myself “Oh, I bet he must have gotten hurt for a few games.” Nope. Tauph just stinks. Career worst year with White. And now Tauph is back for another year. I can’t catch a break.
Season 66 Most Valuable Player – Lamar Jackson, QB – San Francisco 49ers
Because Red Zone thinks OPOY and MVP are synonymous 90% of the time.
There is still hope Yaters! We can get this one right!
Season 66 Super Bowl Prediction
Philadelphia Eagles 27, Kansas City Chiefs 15
Do I like this outcome? Absolutely not. Do I make the rules here? Well yes, but that doesn’t fit this narrative. Will I rejoice if this doesn’t come true? You better believe it.
I don’t know why you guys didn’t RSVP and show up for my “I’m glad this didn’t happen party!”, but I am very disappointed in all of you. We had to throw away so many hors d'oeuvres.
Alright now that we have that out of the way, here’s to looking forward.
*Scans the team list on Daddyleagues…*
Liar, Liar. Pants on fire.
I was told this offseason that this team would have a “new offensive scheme will be unveiled”. This team is also 0-2 already and has a bottom 5 offense thus far. As many of you know, this would be the Miami Dolphins. And frankly, I am not buying the hype. If by new scheme you mean one that tries to feed former Steeler Bo Pettis and one that just doesn’t get him going, then yes, you have done it!
Now do I think they stay this bad? Absolutely not. I also don’t buy into this new game plan working long term. You can never escape the LAP. It’s a lifestyle, not a choice. I think the Dolphins will eventually improve their ranks once they get going, but I don’t see anything changing to the point where Moji and JP aren’t finishing 1 and 2 in the division.
The Dirty South
Dare I say anything about Jake without sending him into a tailspin? Sure, why not! I think this season is going to be super fun to watch the AFC South battle it out. They legit could have any of the 4 teams win, or any of the 4 teams finish in last place. Metal is off to a surprise 2-0 start, but all 4 guys are 0.500 or better already. If you are going to press me to pick the order they finish, I am going to go Jags, Colts, Texans, Titans, in that order, but I don’t see anyone with less than 6 wins.
I am Hard for the Cards
Yes, that’s a sexual innuendo. This season the Cards are going to run away with the NFC’s top seed, going what I predict will be 14-2 on the year. The schedule isn’t too bad and the team remains intact. If you forced me to pick to pick the losses, it would be the 49ers in Week 10 and the Jaguars in Week 13. Sure, there are others that could do it, but I am paid to make predictions, not make vague overviews of the 6 guys who could give them a tough game.
The West is the Best (at flip flopping)
Last season, we saw the AFC W send 3 teams to the playoffs, and was ---| |--- this close to sending a 4th. I hope you enjoyed it football fans, because that dream is over. Let’s take a look a things. The Chiefs lost CEH to free agency (Why in the hell didn’t they try to trade him last season??), and then traded away the top security blanket in the league in Travis Kelce. Sure, they drafted a hidden dev guy in the 6th round, but that man is still raw and is far from what Spittah is used to. Remember when Hat Trick Mahomes was a big thing a few seasons ago? I have a sinking feeling that we may see more flashes of that after losing two huge weapons. Now on to the Raiders. Average OL, and outside of Ruggs/Jacobs, no one is scared of the weapons. Waller is regressing, and this defense flat out stinks. They may have the worst LB group in the league (don’t fact check me, I am not doing my homework!).
However, I feel this is the year the Chargers take a run at 2nd place in the division. With the Raiders and Chiefs going to hit the decline, the time to act is now. 10-6 LAC. Heard it here first.
From worst to… worst?
Last season, the Patriots finished with the 1st pick in the draft, selecting MLB Dell Guy. Let me tell you something: they were not one Guy roaming the middle of the field away from turning this sinking ship around. In fact, in a few seasons, he may just be some Guy that you don’t even remember the name. Trading away Gilmore was cool because you got some value for a guy who is getting old, but it was also the biggest piece to any success they were having. And his value will never be replaced. The CBs right now are “Meh”, and there is no depth behind the starting 2. To top it all off, Glenn drafted a QB with that Gilmore pick, just a few seasons after selling the farm to acquire Wentz. If you were struggling with Wentz, drafting a guy to replace him is an odd way to go.
In other news, my colleagues have reminded me that the QB2 position in NE is actually a nice place to land, as you will play in, what they tell me, is at least 10 games a year.
Regardless, I don’t see this team getting any better than they were a year ago, and the slums is where they stay. Lock me in with another top 3 pick.
Awards Time!
Season 67 Offensive Rookie of the Year – QB Grant Hankins, PHI
Yes, I am aware he has struggled early on. Guess what, Mr. Knowitall? I also know that he’s a rookie and in a system that knows how to develop QBs. Hankins is far and away better than Jalen Hurts was ever going to be, so kudos to Adel for giving up on the project. Once Hankins and Adel start getting accustomed to each other, he will run away with it.
Season 67 Defensive Rookie of the Year – FS Eric Mullins, IND
Let me remind you, defensive awards are hard. That’s why I am cheating and picking the guy with 2 INTs in his first 2 games. Will he finish the year with like 34 tackles and 3 INTs on the season, making me look like an idiot? Most likely.
Season 67 Offensive Player of the Year – QB Kyler Murray, ARI
As I said earlier, the Cards are gonna be big this season, and you can always thank the leader for it.
Season 67 Isaiah Simmons Defensive Player of the Year – DT Chris Jones, PIT
Enter “User DL” conversation here.
Season 67 Most Valuable Player – QB Kyler Murray, ARI
I refuse to say anything else.
That’s it! Those are the predictions! On a side note, let’s not pretend that Season 69 is not going to be the greatest season to brag about in a few months. “Oh, you won in Season 37? That’s nice. I won 69. *Drops mic*”