Drinking the Yaterade - Season 66 Predictions
by AST1N | 4 years ago | 0 Comments
Happy new year Red Zone! New year, new us, and new players on new rosters. As much as I would like to say there is a lot excitement in the playoffs, that Week 1 fresh scent is always so nice. (I wonder if I can make a candle out of it? Ehh… I will worry about that later.) Week 1 we have 31 guys who feel like “Hey, maybe this year is my year I take the next step!” (and one Beech). Next step is not always SB. Sometimes it’s a playoff win. Others its just making the playoffs. Shit, some guys might be thrilled to not pick in the top 8 for once! But that’s the great part about where we sit today. Anything is possible, and it’s today that we all can dream for bigger and better things.
And its my job to put some of you back into reality (and maybe boost a couple of you up). Before we can do that, you know what time it is… SEASON 64 RECAP!
Before I get into these, I just wanna pat myself on the back for saying the AFC W was a sham and all three teams would lose early. Okay, self-slurping done for a bit.
Here we go!
2 Pump Glenn
Yes. Glenn started off on FIRE this season, going 3-0. “Is this the new Glenn? Did marriage change him? LOL at Adel for thinking he’d have a top 10 pick!” Chill. He now sits at 3-2 after back to back loses, and he’s back to throwing 2,000 INTs. While he does have some winnable games down the stretch, I am feeling that 7-9 might be his ceiling. Now that is an improvement, so I don’t want to take anything away from him, but I am afraid that he blew his load too early, leaving the rest of us unsatisfied.
From 3-0 to 6-10. Not ideal. He did beat JP, Adel, Astin, and Blueprint, so who knows what’s going on over there. This team is a Jekyll and Hyde… you never know what Glenn you are getting.
U-G-H-H, UGHH, UGHH, UGHH!
The Jets are winning a minimum of 17 games this season. That’s the prediction. And you know who you are that helped him get here.
Moji really let me down. First off, he gets a game simmed that he loses. AND THEN LOSES IN THE SUPERBOWL! If he hits on both, I win.
And this doesn’t mean I forgive all of you who helped him get there.
With the 1st selection in the Season 66 draft, the _______ select….
Fill in the blank time. Are you going Giants? Vikings? Lions? Well don’t, because you are wrong. There is a good chance we are going to see the Green Bay Packers with their choice of players next offseason. Theo is off to a VERY rough start, and he simply cannot get it going offensively nor defensively. The growing pains are real. Could someone tank their way to the top? Sure, but I am not putting any confidence in GB this season.
Huh. I guess the Lions were the safe bet here. Packers started off in the league slow, but finished at pick 4. I’m not too upset.
The Three Little Piggies
What does the three little pigs have to do with Red Zone? They don’t. I just needed something with a three and that was the first thing that came to mind. I would go with the 3 Amigos, but half these guys are not, and I don’t know what 3 Enemies is in Spanish. Anyway… three! That’s the number of teams the AFC AND NFC West’s will send to the playoffs this season, in their respective conferences. I am even willing to say that the 4th place teams will both be flirting around 8-8 or better. Who knows… maybe Madden will mess up and allow us to, for the first time ever, have an entire division make the playoffs. I will always root for chaos.
First off, HOLY SHIT. Not only did I say the AFC W would send three teams, but said the 4th would be looking at 8-8 (Chargers ended 8-8). I scare myself sometimes!
HOWEVER, the NFC West really let me down. Hard. Jim and the Rams were 7-2 at one point, and then finished the season on a 7 game losing streak at 7-9, missing the playoffs by one game. #ThanksJim
Bearly Makin’ it
I hate this. The NFC North is a travesty. The Bears are 1-3 and I am predicting them to win the division. You know how in the NFL right now the NFC East is a hot garbage pile? That is going to be the NFC North. If you win 8 games in this division, enjoy your 4 seed. Could Eikim pull it out? It’s going to be hard for me to put faith in him yet until I see more. It would be a great story, don’t get me wrong, but my goal is to avoid looking foolish. I’ve said enough about the Packers, and Rfox has a better chance of winning Prom King than anything remotely close to a Division title, at this point.
“Win 8 games in this division”. Well shit, had I known 6 would get you the division…
It was a tight race for three of them and came down to the end… but I have yet to hear about the results of Rfox’s prom king votes.
Offensive Rookie of the Year – Andrew Gleason – QB, Las Vegas Raiders
This year will actually be controversial in the voting. Gleason will run away with the AP OROY award, since they love QBs. However, there are some things to consider. And those things are named Tiko Brown. Will voters think he’s cheesing his QB? Do some people just not like Tiko? Is it hard to compare QBs to HBs/WRs and make it a fair comparison?
Bill Harris in BAL already eliminated himself. Bernard Barnes in TEN can’t get on the field because his team can’t count to 15. That leaves us a few actual candidates: HB Courtney Fox – BAL, WR Justin Bennett – IND, WR Raijon Bates – BUF, and Mr. Pick 33 himself, WR Richard Reddick, LAC. If I am going to guess, this is how the finish in voting: Gleason, Bennett, Fox, Reddick, Bates. Why Bates 5th? JP doesn’t seem like an award chaser, and he will likely distribute the ball around in Buffalo. Bennett in Indy is going to see a lot of action, as it appears that the Colts might get used to trailing on the scoreboard.
Gleason, Fox, Bennett. Close enough. I picked the winner and who’d be top 3.
Defensive Rookie of the Year – Sidney Hayden – MLB, Carolina Panthers
Who? Oh, that is just the Panthers 1st round pick this past season. He is a fast MLB, and hes top 5 in tackles among all defensive rookies. “Tackles are terrible criteria for DROY!” I know, I know… but look at these teams: Saints, Vikings, Packers, Bucs, Bears, Saints again, Colts, Giants, Jags, Texans, League Leading INT leaders Falcons, and Titans. Now as you look at those teams, tell me how many INTs are going to be thrown to the fast LB in the middle of the field. He already got his first against the 3PS Falcons in Week 4 (which he returned for a score), and I really wouldn’t be surprised to see him bring in 8-9 INTs and end up top 3 for rookies in tackles.
Yikes. After my prediction, Hayden did not record any turnovers the rest of the season. Pobody’s nerfict.
Offensive Player of the Year – Sam Darnold – QB, New York Jets
Shame. Shame on you all. How do you even defend this offense? You don’t. All Sammy has to do is not royally screw up, stay under 3 INTs, and avoid injury, and he will be over 5k yards, 2.5:1 TD:INT ratio, and 110+ QB rating.
It was a two man race between Patrick “Don’t call him Pat” Mahomes and Lamar Jackson. Both deserving of the award, and I don’t care what the votes ended up saying.
For those keeping score at home for Sam Darnold Duck, he finished with almost 4k yards, 1.8:1 (31/17), and 111.2 rating. Not a bad season, just not as much as these other two.
The Isaiah Simmons Defensive Player of the Year - Isaiah Simmons – S/LB/DE/P/LF, Arizona Cardinals
At this point, why even try selecting anyone else? Even if it comes down to being a tight race, the name recognition alone will push him to gaining the most votes. [On a related note, my editor just came into my office and said that Simmons might be interested in replacing my job writing these articles, and the company is considering it. Is there anything he can’t do??]
It is Season 66 and I am writing this article. Do you know what that means!? I KEPT MY JOB! Suck it Isaiah!
But who would have predicted that the season Ram wins the Super Bowl, I finally DON’T pick him to be there AND Simmons doesn’t even get nominated for the award.
Most Valuable Player – Sam Darnold – QB, New York Jets
See above.
Like I said, see above.
Super Bowl 65
San Francisco 49ers 31, New York Jets 41
Can we just call this the GMs of the Cycle Bowl? Here is a hot take for you. If this matchup happens, but Ernest wins… Does that put him in Hall of Fame discussions? I will let you decide.
Both teams choked. Great GMs, but two guys who let me down. Ernest is banned from the HOF discussion now, and Moji needs removed. Make it happen. We don’t have all day.
Alright, with what I would say one of my best seasons predictions, let’s go ahead and make some horrible, regrettable predictions for Season 66.
“What can I say, except you’re welcome!”
My daughter loves Moana so I get to have that movie playing at least 5-6 times a week. Sorry that I get to bring that part into here. That being said, this season will be less about #ThanksJim and more about #YoureWelcomeJim. This is his year to take his next step (remember what I said about steps in the opening paragraph). For Jim, that is a playoff birth and he may even flirt with a playoff win, if the matchup is right. We all love to marvel at the things some of the big names are doing with their teams, but Jim is quietly building a powerhouse lead by that front 4. If you want to stop them, I hope you have 8 OL in there to protect you.
The loser of the Darnold to the Saints is….
The NFC South. Moji’s new shiny quarterback will be just fine (don’t look too much into that 3PS in Week 1), and Spencer needed some stability behind center. I don’t trust his WR group (no matter how much he says its fine) but Spencer also gets to play a 4th place schedule this year with an elite QB. Am I sold on Malik, Kelly, and Tauph dominating? Absolutely not. It has always been a 3 team race. And honestly, it will probably remain that way until Tauph leaves us. However, that doesn’t mean Spencer will not be a thorn in their side every game. I expect an improved Saints team and for him to give himself hope to become one of the guys in the division.
Let’s all join a Colt together!
For real. It will be fun. Other than that, Jake is going to rebound. He is winning the division. I feel a bit of regression between both the Titans and Jags coming on, which opens up the door for Jake to pounce. Sure, writing this into words and having Jake read it will send him in a complex that he is famous for, but isn’t the league more fun when that happens?
Anyone for a quick game of hacky sack?
This is the year. It’s going to happen, and not just one time. The age old discussion on if User DL is too OP is going to gain traction. We are partially done with Week 1 and the sack numbers are already too damn high! (insert toodamnhigh.gif) and I don’t see them dropping off too hard. We will probably have 6-7 guys flirting with 22+ sacks, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the top guy hits 30. The argument of “Madden 20 numbers der der der!” will come up, just for the anti-DL guys to say “Dis is uh sim lege!”
What will this accomplish? Nothing. But hey I was able to spit out a paragraph about where I see sack numbers being this season.
Season 66 Offensive Rookie of the Year – Greg Harris, QB – New York Jets
I actually think this is an easy pick. Yes, we saw one of the most dynamic QB drafts in a long time. But 4 of those guys go to teams without a history of success (even you Brett… I don’t even know what to call you except a nice guy who likes to have fun). Harris was taken to be in the best situation and will leave Jets fans asking “Sam who?”
Season 66 Defensive Rookie of the Year – Joshua Lawton, CB – Philadelphia Eagles
I got the gimme, now it’s the pick that I will miss by a mile. Looking at the class, there really aren’t many defensive players that scream THIS IS A BIG TIME PLAYER. Correa in Buffalo looks to be a rock solid player, but the jury will be out on if he will put up DROY stats from the safety position. Lawton is 6’0 and can fly, so once he improves his pass coverage skills he will be a stud.
Season 66 Offensive Player of the Year – Lamar Jackson, QB – San Francisco 49ers
Let’s call this the redemption tour. Last season was not a fluke, and the longer Ernest has to work with Lamar, the more dangerous the duo become. I think we can all agree that the best case scenario for the league is that Ernest cannot negotiate a contract that Lamar likes, forcing Ernest to trade him in the 11th hour.
Season 66 Isaiah Simmons Defensive Player of the Year – Devin White, LB – Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tauph with one year left? Let the cheese flow through his veins. What are you gonna do, kick him?
Season 66 Most Valuable Player – Lamar Jackson, QB – San Francisco 49ers
Because Red Zone thinks OPOY and MVP are synonymous 90% of the time.
Season 66 Super Bowl Prediction
Philadelphia Eagles 27, Kansas City Chiefs 15
Do I like this outcome? Absolutely not. Do I make the rules here? Well yes, but that doesn’t fit this narrative. Will I rejoice if this doesn’t come true? You better believe it.