In the first of what will hopefully be many chapters of the #DitkaDiaries series, I’m going to take a deep dive into Week 3 of the EFL 2018 season to see where our league needs to turn its attention to as storylines begin to develop. There have already been rivalries forming, trades flying, and so many god damn misspellings of the word “their” in chat that the time has come to dunk on you fools and get some hype built up. Without further ado, here are your league headlines and Week 3 predictions:

**TOP STORY**
As we have seen in Hard Knocks this year, the Cleveland Browns are full of unique, grand personalities, some beloved and some….not so much. But after just 2 weeks into the season, we’re getting a full glimpse of the most colorful personality within the organization, GM/Coach Rascrush. Yes folks, this guy has made 287 trades before Week 3 begins and currently sits at a modest 3,954 draft picks for 2019. When asked about this wild, bar-setting new teambuilding method, Rascrush had this to say: “Who wants to make a blockbuster deal happen, I’m looking to buy not sell.”
It wasn’t enough for Hard Knocks to cover the Browns for 5 weeks. No, Rascrush liked that taste of attention and is now filming his very own sequel to Sleepless in Seattle, appropriate titled “Chaos in Cleveland.” As GMs around the league stand in awe of Cleveland and the organization’s unorthodox methods, there remains only one question: How many players from Cleveland’s Week 1 team will be left on there by Week 3? Simply put, there hasn’t been this much Browns activity since I ate Taco Bell at 4 AM last Saturday after a night at the bar. At the end of the day, though, all this activity is worthless if it doesn’t lead to one thing for Rascrush: winning 5 games this year.

WEEK 3 PREDICTIONS

San Francisco 49ers (2-0) – LightsOut        vs    Kansas City Chiefs (2-0) – Theeverbro
This early season matchup could certainly be a fun one to keep an eye on. We have new, unproven coach LightsOut, self-proclaimed lover of Rodney McLeod (just trade for him bruh, Dolla wants this to happen), taking on perennial contender Theeverbro at Arrowhead Stadium. Both teams are 2-0 but there’s no question here about who comes in favored. Will Mahomes and his sex cannon continue to slam on the haters? Or will Jimmy G use Blue Steel to freeze that defense in its tracks? Don’t forget about the potential for a clash between MLB Ruben Foster and WR Tyreek Hill should Hill come over the middle. They’ll both be looking to do to their opponents what they did to women in the past.
Score Prediction: 49ers 14 – 27 Chiefs

Chicago Bears (2-0) – LOOKATMYDITKA        vs    Arizona Cardinals (1-1) – something Beastmode
Now here’s a game with some potential to be a barn burner. Owen, coming off of the first of his 17 annual trips to random ass places on earth, is looking to keep his momentum going after a divisional win over the Rams in Week 2. I come into this game with a 2-0 record having watched Russell Wilson roll to the sideline 6 times per drive last week. That factoid isn’t relevant to this week’s matchup but fuck playing cheesy guys like that. There isn’t a ton to say about this game because I’m not going to roast myself, and I’m not gonna roast Owen until the next post so he doesn’t get any extra motivation. But this will definitely be a game worth watching.
Score Prediction: “I Win, 1-to-nothin’”

Cincinnati Bengals (1-1) – Blyak            vs    Carolina Panthers (1-1) – ghcook
It’s the Bengals taking on the Panthers. I find these two rosters pretty boring. Looking more forward to roasting Cam’s fit before the game. Yep, that’s about it I think.
Score Prediction: Bengals 24 – 31 Panthers (or whatever)

Buffalo Bills (0-2) – trestinme            vs    Minnesota Vikings (0-2) – TomDaddy
Is the new Bills owner Mark Trestman? It’s the thought on everyone’s mind as we inch closer to this particular Week 3 matchup. Vikings fired their coach after he inexplicably didn’t show up to the first 2 games of the season (apparently off in Europe doing LSD somewhere, probably saw Owen there) and hired TomDaddy, a true EFL vet who knows how to build a good roster. Here we will see if Mark Trestman can return to glory starting with a victory over one of the top NFL defenses.
Score Prediction: Bills 17 – 10 Vikings **UPSET ALERT**

Denver Broncos (2-0) – ClaxTKE            vs.    Baltimore Ravens (2-0) – Coxienormous
In another showdown between 2-0 teams, EFL newcomer Clax looks to continue making his presence known as he prepares his cheesy ass QB, Tyrod Taylor, to take on the more cheesy-ass QB, Lamar Jackson. However, there are two other big storylines developing for this game: 1) Why the hell are Case Keenum and Joe Flacco on the bench? Keenum has dominated in his first two games, only to be told “Case, your 80 speed is simply not cheesy enough for me. Please go get faster immediately or sit your ass down. Nobody cares about your passer rating you chump.” On the other side, Coxienormous reportedly entered team facilities at 12 PM today in a drunken rage yelling “Joe Flacco is NOT elite and isn’t even that good looking! Joe, you’re benched because Lamar Jackson fills my plums with cheese, and your candy ass speed rating pales in comparison.” Seriously, with Coxie a sure bet to be tanked by gametime, we can expect some wild playcall. Flacco is clearly elite, Coxie, what the hell were you thinking.
Score Prediction: Broncos 45 – 1 bourbon, 1 shot, 1 beer Ravens

Indianapolis Colts (0-2 or 1-1) – BlutoHendrix    vs    Flipadelphia Eagles (1-1) – Cree
A rebuilding Colts franchise looks to make waves across the league with an upset against the Eagles in Philly. Leading the way for this Colts team will be a re-energized, reinvigorated, and possibly reconstructed General Andrew Luck, who had the following to say when asked what a victory would mean for him and his team this Sunday: “As I work to prepare my men for the harsh realities of battle, I speak to them not only of the glory of victory, but of the appreciation the Indianapolis citizens will bestow upon us. However, this mission does not appear to be a simple one. This angry army of birds does not show mercy to its enemies, and therefore we shall need to execute the perfect plan of battle. We must never give up nor surrender, and hopefully God will grace us with rain in an attempt to hinder our enemies air attacks. With this combination of preparation, execution, and luck, we shall taste the fruits of our labor! Onward, to victory!” Eagles owner Cree chose not to comment on these statements.
Score Prediction: Colts 21 – 35 Eagles

Dallas Cowboys (0-2) – Jonas            vs    Seattle Seahawks (0-2) – White
A quick recap of the breaking news out of the Cowboys organization in Week 2: “We have received reports that Jonas Jones, husband of Jerry Jones, has indeed unblocked his DMs and therefore will be able to schedule his next matchup.” You heard it correctly, folks—Jonas is back and down in the DMs. New Seattle owner White will most likely schedule a matchup with Jonas so that this matchup between two teams I hate can happen. In addition to this game being scheduled, reports were released that Bears owner LOOKATMYDITKA has slid into those Cowboys DMs in his annual attempt to trade for Jaylon Smith and fail.
Score Prediction: Cowboys 14 – 28 Seahawks

New York Giants (2-0) – Trey            vs    Houston Texans (1-1) – Geifken
This is a matchup between non-conference that could fly under the radar but shouldn’t. After waking up from a training camp coma, Geifken realized the season had started and a whole week had gone by before hopping on and securing victory over the Titans in Week 2. The Giants, however, look to remain steady as they’re led on defense by Obi Melifontwo, premiere young safety who was cloned during Week 4 of the preseason. Their owner, Trey, notorious for his brutal shit talking and sheer intimidation of opponents before games, kept it short and simple this week by telling Houston to “Saquon Deez Nuts, J.J. Twatt.” Powerful words, indeed.
Score Prediction: Giants 24 – 21 Texans

Green Bay Packers (1-1) -- Lumberjax        vs    Washington Redskins (2-0 or 1-1) – BLD
BLD looks to reign supreme at home against a Packer squad stumbling out of the gates to begin the 2018 season. With one fan base here being racist blue collar cheeseheads and the other being Redskins fans, we can look forward to a whole bunch of stickin’ it to the libs in this one.
Score predictions: Packers 0 – 0 Redskins after a Trump-loving biker gang shows up at kickoff to protest the libs on the field

New England Gaytriots (2-0) – WhoDat        vs    Detroit Lions (0-2) – DC Drama
The Patriots find themselves at a crossroads of sorts within their organization, but that hasn’t slowed down their play yet on the field. Entering this game at 2-0, ageless pseudoscience lover Tom Brady looks to put his Ugg Boots down once and for all with all of this Alex Guerrero talk. When asked about his controversial trainer yet again and why he insists on keeping that relationship going instead of using the team trainer like his panzy ass teammates do, Brady replied by saying, “Listen, both of these trainers are excellent and have done an excellent job. And I am really tired of YOU and EVERYONE ELSE asking me these stupid questions and trying to get me to say something bad about one of them! Enough!” Reports later stated that someone shit in Tom Brady’s Wheaties again that morning, so he was naturally grumpy.
Score Prediction: Oh, wait, was that actually a Nick Saban quote? Oh well, same shit. Fuck em.

Oakland Raiders (1-1) – dustmcgee        vs    Miami Dolphins (0-2) – tuffswami
If this game gets scheduled, then it will happen. You heard it hear first.
Score prediction: Oakland 0 cancellations – 2 cancellations Miami

New Orleans Saints (1-1) – Bnd            vs    Atlanta Falcons (2-0) – Klassick
This matchup between bitter division rivals promises to have an interesting buildup. Per usual, we can expect Bnd to have to correct his shitty typing at least 7 times when scheduling this game, and I also predict at least one picture of the Atlanta Bud Light can meme before the game begins. With the Falcons, however, my prediction is that Devonta Freeman will eclipse 1 yard from scrimmage.
Score prediction: Saints 3 – 28 Falcons hehe

Pittsburgh Steelers (0-2) – Kevhock        vs    Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-2) – Jbell
After a dramatic finish and heartbreaking loss to the Cleveland Draft Picks in Week 1, Pittsburgh was given a rude awakening against Kansas City this past week. But owner Kevhock’s spirit has not dampened as he knows the Chiefs are elite and is working his way to the top to get there, one Inside Cross play at a time. JBell is looking to get his Bucs in the win column after an unraveling this past week against Philly. He will look to channel his inner David Andrews as he takes on the rapey QB named Ben.
Score Prediction: Steelers 21 – 35 Bucs

Tennessee Titans (1-1) – Tillerthethrilla        vs    Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2) – Uagrad
Coming off of a nail biting loss to Houston in Week 2, Tennessee will look to get back on track against Jacksonville in another high stakes divisional matchup. Making matters tougher, however, is their recent trade of all pro defensive players Jurrell Casey and Kevin Byard to Cleveland. All is well, though, because they received approximately 946 of Cleveland’s 19,522 draft picks in return. The Browns are getting thin in that department and should probably trade off some scrub ass player for a 3rd rounder before they run out.
Score Prediction: Titans 31 – 21 Jags

****GAME OF THE WEEK****
New York Jets (2-0) – SavageSam        vs    Cleveland Browns (1-1) – Rascrush

What’s to say about this game that hasn’t already been traded for a 2019 3rd round pick? Well, for starters, some of you may be wondering why this is the game of the week. If you’re one of those people then you need to be more active in chat. Simply put, these garbage ass trash talkers are entertaining as hell. This matchup will have all the prop bets you can imagine. Will a Cleveland player get traded for a draft pick before the end of the 2nd quarter? Will Savage Sam Darnold be substituted in favor of his grandmother at QB? You gotta watch to find out, and it’s happening right away because SavageSam has to get to bed and Rascrush needs to go make a trade by 11 PM or he will fuck his cousin. However, upon reading this preview he will surely blow up my DMs and say “why not both?”
*Stefan from SNL voice* This game has got it all. It’s got user lurks, butt fumbles, SavageSam probably calling this Bama dude a nonsensical racial slur, and the word “there” being incorrectly used instead of “their.”

Cleveland Browns vs. New York Jets.
Baker Mayfield vs. Sam Darnold
Rascrusch vs. Savage Sam
Country dude rubbing it out to Luke Bryan vs. random white kid commenting on r/hiphopheads

Strap up, folks. Football is back.

Last edited by mwbartle15 (1545261951)

This is freaking great!